Sexual Healings
by MartiniBaby1
Summary: Four healing sexual encounters. A tryst in each season. Three chance encounters and two very different people with at least one thing in common: both are heartbroken and afraid to let love in once more. Edward x Bella, all human
1. Chapter 1: Fuck me in the Summer

I'm surrounded with the most amazing beta's in the Twilight universe. Thanks Courtney for your beta-skills, Shabbyapple for the read through and valdiation of this chapter at Twilighted, as well for the confidence-boost your kind words provided. A special shout out goes to Sarah_Elizabeth, for joining the beta-crew when I was in desperate need of one and for being such a good, kind and loving person. Hun, I promised you eternal fame and I hope I can provide that.

And _thank you _Milla, for making this amazing banner that fits the story perfectly (link at profile)!

*group hug*

More A/N at the end of this first chapter. Go, read and enjoy!

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**Chapter 1: Fuck me in the Summer**

"_A life without love is like a year without summer_."

**  
Bella, August 7**

I had a small overnight bag packed which contained only the most vital supplies like a toothbrush, deodorant, perfume and some other lady-like things. Apparently I was the only person in the world that liked to travel light, however.

I had been pushing my bag into the overhead compartment for the past seven and a half minutes, with very little luck. Trolley cases the size of my secondhand car filled the storage area; some of them stuck out so much I began to wonder how the cabin staff would be able to close them for takeoff. Since the other passengers decided to pack all of their belongings my small red bag could not fit. At all.

I sighed and cursed, while sweat droplets prickled down my hairline leaving a wet trail on my neck and rolling down my back. I mumbled something inaudible about how decent air-conditioning should be standard in flights like these, since I paid more than enough for it in the first place, but no one bothered to help me with my quest of finding a free spot for my small overnight bag.

The feminist part of me was too stubborn to ask for help; I wanted to be able to do this by myself, but in the end, my worn out arms -that were feeling like I had lifted weights for the past twenty four hours nonstop- made me reconsider those feminist ideas.

Putting my pride aside, I walked over to the young man whom would be my neighbor during the six hour flight to New York and asked in a friendly manner for his help, but his stiff form continued reading the magazine in his lap as if I didn't even exist.

_Aaarrgggh! Men! Fucking pricks! _

I was getting annoyed with the lack of response from the man, my tingling hands balling into fists that would knock him out with a well pointed right hook.

_Yeah, right! _The mental voices in my head mocked my own thoughts and for once, I had to agree with them. I wasn't the latest bride like Uma Thurman was in the Kill Bill movies, nor was I Mrs. Smith or Miss Congeniality. No rude prick was worth hurting my right hand for, and when I finally forced some air in my system, I found myself relaxing; the violent haze I was in a second ago was now replaced with my usual calm self.

I tapped his shoulder in what was probably an unfriendly way, although I had every intention of being friendly, and when I saw that he jumped slightly and removed the earbuds of his iPod, I felt guilty for even thinking such terrible things about him in the first place.

Guilt is one of the cruelest emotions invented in modern times and I had struggled with those kinds of feelings enough in the past, so I ignored the guilt that was gnawing in my womb at that specific moment. I had more important things to worry about, like getting my bag in the overhead compartment.

I must have scared the shit out of him because he place his hand over his heart as an if he could physically calm his racing pulse by such a simple act. Maybe I _had _scared the shit out of him because I looked so awful in the morning, like James had often said.

_Why had I booked a flight this early?_ I asked myself, before my thoughts wandered to the man who had made my worst nightmare come alive.

_James_.

I sighed, forcing my mind away from the dark trip through memory lane while I stared in the most beautiful green -but worried- eyes I had ever seen, which belonged to the stranger in front of me.

"Can I help you?" He asked in a warm velvet voice that made my body temperature increase, which was awful given the current circumstances. It was only 7 in the morning but this day would probably go down as the hottest day in history.

It took me awhile to focus on the words he had spoken, addressed to me, when I remembered where I was and what I was doing I informed him that I was in desperate need of two strong arms to lift my bag in the overhead department.

He smiled warmly and nodded his head in agreement before he unbuckled his seatbelt.

I wondered why he sat with his seatbelt on 25 minutes before takeoff, but in the end I decided that I shouldn't throw nasty remarks at the beautiful willing man who had offered to help me. I should be grateful and I was.

_Don't abreact your bitchy mood, caused by James on others, Bella. Besides, this man is too attractive and handsome to bite his nose off. Not to mention you have to sit next to him for the rest of the flight, so it would be better to keep things friendly. _

The voices in my head were right and before I completely lost my mind I put a smile on my face, while I helped Mr. Handsome with my bag.

We worked together in silence for several more minutes and I felt completely at ease like that, a feeling I hadn't experienced in a long while. My relationship and marriage with James contained more painful silences than pleasant moments, and somewhere along the road of awkward situations and loud fights I had lost the belief that it was still possible to work together in silence like I had often seen my parents do. The realization that it _was_ possible pulled the corners of my lips up in an earnest smile this time and a warm feeling spread through my veins. Maybe there was hope for myself and my dreams after all.

My reverie was soon broken when the velvet voice caught my attention again, although I was momentarily lost in the emerald green pools that contained a sparkle of sadness mixed with pain. I wondered who had caused that pain and why dark rings were painted on his otherwise perfectly sculpted face. I wanted to ask him who or what had caused them but a marriage to an alcoholic had taught me not to pry or speak when not needed. So I stared and got lost in the green sea of confusion.

_Confusion. _

_Fuck._

_I needed to say something, anything. But what do I say when I don't know what he had said or asked in the first place?! _

It was as if he was reading my mind because he repeated his words slowly, gently grabbing my wrist that hung still mid air between the department and my head.

When his cold fingers connected with my damp skin, I felt how a shock of pure electricity attacked that particular spot he was touching and when I looked him in the eyes, I just knew he had noticed it too.

I licked my lips before I spoke, an action that pulled his eyes away from my gaze almost immediately. He stared at my lips for a second too long and when I caught him staring, he blushed the faintest shade of pink and let go of my wrist.

My mind screamed a loud "_Nooooo" _when the electricity left my body and it took all of my willpower to keep my mouth shut so my inner dialogue would stay where it was. I'm sure that would have earned me some curious glances and weird stares and I wasn't in the mood for that. I could barely walk on a flat surface when anyone was looking, no need to add some additional eyes on my back, right? _Right!_

I gave us both a second to compose ourselves and when I felt that I would be able to speak coherently again, I replied to his previous statement that the bag didn't fit in anywhere but that he guaranteed me that it would fit under my seat.

"I think you're right. Thank you." and I gave him the best Colgate-like smile I had ever put up on my face in my entire life.

He bowed his head a little, looked at me through his thick lashes while he told me I was more than welcome. I think my heart stopped then and there, having a cardiac arrest after being dazzled for the first time in my life. As if that wasn't enough, my brain felt like it was fried and it took me awhile to reboot it until it gave my feet the signal that they needed to move in the direction of our seats.

I almost tripped over nothing but thin air when I felt his hand on the small of my back, gesturing me towards our seats at the end of the plane. I blushed in embarrassment and was sure I heard him chuckle behind me, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of looking at him, plus I was used to these things by now. If it was only a soft chuckle, I could handle _that_. The names James often yelled at me, at home or in public, when my bad DNA-combination made it clear that getting through the day without falling down at least a few times wasn't possible, were much worse and had hardened me over the years.

I really didn't know what had just happened a minute ago or how I had got there, but when I returned to my senses, I was already seated with a small window at my right and Mr. Dazzle Me at my left.

"You okay?" He asked with worry written all over his face and not the smugness I had expected to see. Which was a pleasant surprise, if not surprising.

"I'm fine, thank you." And I looked through the little window, signaling the conversation was over.

I don't know why that gave me a nice feeling, maybe because James was the one who normally ended the conversations before.

~*~

The flight had gone smoothly this far, which was a surprise since I was scared as fuck to fly alone in the first place. I had done it once and that had ended in more hyperventilation than the crew had ever seen before. Saying I was anxious because of the flight would be the understatement of the century. I don't know why but the stranger sitting next to me had a calming effect on my frayed nerves, although the same couldn't be said for my hormones.

We hadn't spoken much apart from the simple sentences like _Can I use the bathroom please? _Or _would you mind if I read that magazine you've just put away please? _As well as the quick excuses when our legs or arms accidentally touched; but that didn't take away from the growing sexual tension between us making my lady parts tingle.

He had caught me staring at him twice. The first time was when he had dozed off for a few seconds and must have woken up, sensing my penetrating stare on his slightly parted, pink lips.

I liked to think that he had faked his sleep just to give me the possibility to stare at him openly -surely Mr. Make My Uterus Flutter, had to know how handsome he was or what effect he had on women- and to embarrass me afterwards by catching me staring at him. The entire female crew had asked him if he needed _anything_ more than was standard and the female passengers shot me angry glares whenever my eyes locked with them.

The second time was when he was reading my magazine and I couldn't help but stare at the way his amazingly long and graceful fingers moved over the glossy paper. Images of me kissing those lips, or my irrational wishes to turn into that glossy paper right then and there must have been written all over my face when a dark red blush held my face and neck hostage for the next ten minutes after being caught ogling him again. I had forced my eyes away from him ever since, feeling too humiliated to look at him again, but it was getting harder and harder with every second that ticked away and he was to blame for that.

He had _accidentally _touched my calf, knee and wrist in the past forty-five minutes and it had taken all my willpower to keep my eyes on the clouds below us. I had mumbled an "_Oh, it's nothing"_ every time he had excused himself, while I felt how my skin warmed up from the heat that was radiating from his body.

His pinkie was touching mine now, the fourth time he touched me oh-so accidentally, and I was still waiting to hear his honey-like voice mutter the next lame excuse but that excuse never came. There was nothing but silence and heat between us, a throbbing longing between my thighs I hadn't felt in a long time caused because our smallest fingers touched. Fuck, what would I do when he enveloped my hand with his, ovulate? Probably!

Slowly but deliberately, I looked down at our touching pinkies, up to his face, and I was completely and utterly lost; drawn in his still warm, but now darker green eyes that were clouded with what I only could describe as want and primal lust. He didn't even blush this time, as if he wasn't even ashamed to hide those feelings from me. Me, a stranger whose name he didn't even know! And I didn't know why but the fact that he didn't know my name or any of the misery that darkened my past but was still aroused turned me on even more.

_Fuck! I'm horny, wet, and my ovaries are twitching._

I couldn't even remember a time that I had ever been this wet for James or any other man for that matter, but damn it felt good! The way he kept staring at me made my nipples harden under the silk material of my bra and his eyes were drawn to them the second they were visible through my dress.

_Traitor nipples!_

The blush that stained my cheeks didn't even bother me this time, only the dry air on the plane and my throbbing sex caused me discomfort.

I squeezed my legs a little while I licked my lips again and was pleased to see that they had the same effect on him like last time. His eyes danced over my cleavage and neck to my lips, drinking in how I slowly, teasingly licked my lower lip. It gave me the opportunity to steal a quick glance at his lap and I don't know why I was shocked when I saw how hard his discomfort was, but I was. Our touching digits and me licking my lips painfully aroused this God-like man.

_Oh. My. God!_

My heart began beating a disjointed rhythm against my ribs and it took all of my power to control my breathing so I wouldn't hyperventilate for a much better reason this time.

Don't ask me where my boldness came from, but I suddenly bent forward to grab my toiletries from my overnight bag which was difficult because I was too stubborn to use both my hands. I wanted the feeling of our touching pinkies to last as long as possible, enjoying the heat as long as I could, so I grabbed my bag with one hand and before I stood up.

I whispered in his ear that I was going to freshen up a little, purring the words in the shell of his ear with as much longing as I felt in my body.

I saw him shiver a little bit when my hot breath ran over the side of his face and I hoped that was a good sign. I wasn't well skilled in reading a male's body language because James only allowed me to look at him. He had caught me staring in public once at a man that was the personification of the Marlboro and Coca-Cola man at the same time, and the scene he made then was probably still the subject of talk in Fisherman's Whale, San Francisco, where we used to live. There was only one time that I had feared that he would hit me and that was then, luckily the amount of liquor he had in his system resulted in him stumbling down the floor only a few seconds later and me dragging him to our small apartment, where he was knocked out on the sofa even before his head touched the cushions.

When I passed Mr. Make Women Ovulate, I made sure that our knees and legs touched so he could feel the heat of my body for him through the material of my dark blue summer dress and I never felt so exposed in my life as when his gaze walked over my knees, to the hem of my dress, danced over my hips to slowly make their way up to my breasts and face again, lingering on certain areas longer than was considered appropriate. But fuck appropriate and fuck decency, it felt good to be stared at!

_Fuck me_ was all I could think of when I made my way to the end of the plane.

When I was in the small toilet of the airplane, I closed the door quickly before my back rested against it, my chest panting and heaving hard. The boldness I had felt only seconds ago was taking its toll on me, leaving my lungs in painful gasps.

_Calm down Bella, calm down. _

Repeating that mantra in my head over and over again helped a little, and when I could finally breathe again, I took a step closer to the sink and put my small toiletry bag on it. I looked at myself in the mirror but could only see the blush on my high cheekbones and the dark rings under my eyes. The sleep I desperately needed had claimed its defeat once Mr. Boner had placed his hand on the small of my back. Once I was in New York I would sleep nonstop for the next 24 hours.

My fingers fumbled with the zipper of my bag a little longer than usual -was I shaking because of _him_?- but when it was finally open, I quickly brushed my teeth, and looked for a brush to unravel the haystack that was currently situated on top of my head. I was pleased when I found a washcloth as well, so I could wash my underarms and aching nether regions, just in case. My eyes almost fell out of their sockets when I saw how wet my panties were and I cursed out loud when I realized that I didn't have any fresh panties packed.

_Great Bella, just great. _

I scoffed at the mental voices in my head and with one last look at myself in the mirror; I zipped my bag close and opened the door that separated me from Mr. Make My Panties Wet. I took a deep breath but my body wasn't prepared to see him _that_ close to the door. I don't know what I had expected but _this _wasn't what I had in mind. Here, standing in front of the door, only inches away from my face, was Mr. Fuck Me Now.

He was staring at me with the darkest green eyes ever, and if I had been alone with him, in a dark alley, I would have screamed from the top of my lungs for help. But I had seen those eyes dark of lust before and I knew that he had interpreted the words I had purred in his ears correctly. He had read the invitation in between my words and in the timbre of my voice, and there was no way out of it. If there had been any doubt in my words, the way I had rubbed my body against his when I stood up had been crystal clear and I didn't want a way out of it either.

I took a step backwards and pulled him in with handful of his dark black shirt, placed my toilet bag in the sink so that my free hand could sneak around his waist to lock us in the privacy of the bathroom.

For a second I wondered if I really wanted to do this, here, with a stranger, but when his hands found their way to my hips, encircling my skin through the soft material of my dress, all doubts and insecurities vanished like snow in front of the sun.

I looked him in the eyes and was unaware that I was biting my lip, a bad habit I couldn't get rid of since kindergarten. That must have aroused him some more because he moved his hips towards mine and grinded them against my wet center to show me what I did to him.

He grunted and closed his eyes when he shoved himself harder against me, causing me to groan automatically. He was pleased with my obvious equal arousal, because he smiled warmly before he angled his head to the right, inching it closer to mine.

He looked me in the eyes again, looking for the confirmation that he could do what he had in mind but instead of giving him the permission, I took it straight from his hands and crushed my lips on his instead.

That must have surprised him a little because it took him a second to move his lips against mine, but then he opened his mouth to let his tongue graze over my bottom lip and I was completely lost in the sensations of his warm silky tongue on mine, exploring and teasing me to ecstasy.

We needed to catch our breath every now and then, panting and heaving from the physical exercise our tongues were doing, but it never took us long to crash against the other's mouth again.

My fingers had found their way to his untamed hair, making it even messier when I fisted my hands in it, tugging forcefully. That act made him groan and I wasn't sure if that was from discomfort or pleasure, but when his hands pulled up the hem of my dress to explore the wetness in between my thighs, I couldn't even remember my own name, let alone the question that was on my mind a second ago.

"Oh fuck!" I moaned in his mouth when one of his fingers started playing with the hem of my panties.

"You're so fucking hot and wet." He whispered to me, before he let his tongue travel over the shell of my ear, nibbling on my earlobe gently before he sucked the sensitive skin of my neck. It was as if this man knew exactly where I wanted to be touched, licked and sucked and for one second I regretted all those times with James, when he fucked me without even bothering to please me.

I had been married to James for more than two years, after we dated for more than a year, and not once in all that time had he referred to our love act as 'love making'. He always demanded that I fuck him, not that he ever forced me to do anything against my will, but I have to admit that I had rarely felt anything at all, not like I was feeling right now. This man was to blame for that, so I told him.

"I'm hot and wet for you, only for you." I could only whisper, the ability to speak erased due to his teasing touches of my slick folds, making me tremble in passion and need. My heat burned with desire and it felt so fucking good to feel like that.

"Do you feel this?" He asked when he pushed his hard erection in between my thighs again, and when I hoarsely replied, "_Oh yes, baby!"_ He told me that he felt the same for me, that I drove him crazy like no one else had ever done before.

He continued to rub himself through my dress, building the friction against my public bone that made a load moan vibrate through his chest, while his fingers searched for my sensitive nub eagerly. When his hungry fingers found it and he circled it teasingly, all coherent thinking stopped and I gave myself over to the sensations that his talented fingers awakened in my body.

I threw my head back, until it rested against the damp mirror and he sucked his way to my throat, licking and sucking the newly exposed skin like a hungry kitten that had just gotten a fresh bowl of milk, while he entered one and then two fingers inside of me. I was feeling self-assured when he sucked my skin like that and I asked him to taste the wetness he was currently stroking in a steady delicious rhythm.

With darkened eyes and a labored breathing he scrutinized my face, looking at me like I had just informed him that he had won the lottery.

I swallowed hard when he retrieved his fingers from my slick fold and licked his lips seductively, leaving me panting and begging for more with my hooded eyes. I bent my head forward, never breaking the eye contact we had, and brought my mouth over his glistening fingers, licking my own arousal from his fingers, twirling my tongue over the top of his fingers and sucking it hungrily. He gasped, surprised by my action but clearly liking it very much, from what I could tell. He narrowed his eyes, which were pitch black now and bit the inside of his cheek to stop the loud rumble of moans that were about to roll from his mouth.

I couldn't take it any longer, his stare was making me come undone and I needed to do something to break this spell. I didn't want to come on his hand and at the same time I would have loved anything he gave me. However, I wanted so many things and his tongue _down there, _was definitely much higher on that list. I couldn't read any disgust or whatsoever in his eyes after I had spoken my request, so I removed my dress in one swift movement, leaving me in nothing but my underwear and pumps.

In the blink of an eye, he kneeled in front of me. His lips and tongue leaving a wet trail on my glistening damp skin until he reached the hem of my silk panties. When he kissed me through the material of my panties, I thought I heard him murmur something -so wet for me, maybe- but I wasn't entirely sure of that. The only thing I was sure of was that if he would continued his ministrations like that, I wouldn't last for more than one minute nor would I be able to keep it quiet.

Once again this man must have been able to read my mind because when he removed my panties at an unbearably slow pace, he told me that we needed to be quiet if we were to continue what we were doing.

"Don't stop!" I told him, the desperation obvious in my voice, but I was too aroused to care about that.

"I won't, if you can promise you won't scream." He brought one, soon two fingers inside my slick folds again and I was sure that I was dripping all over his fingers. But like I said, I was far too aroused to care and it wasn't like I forced him to do the things he was doing, right?

He stopped all of a sudden and I wondered what the hell was wrong. If he wanted me to keep my mouth shut, he shouldn't stop because if he did, I would scream at the top of my lungs from pure desperation and agony.

I looked down in what must have been Hollywood's best horror face, which earned me a chuckle in response, soon followed by some shushing sounds.

"Don't worry beautiful, I just wanted to make sure that you _can_ keep things quiet."

"Oh I can," I whispered, "but if you don't want me to scream so loud that the cabin crew thinks someone is dying, you should finish what you were doing down there."

I was rewarded with a warm laugh, and when his hot breath caressed my aching thighs, I shivered, moaning in the process. That must have brought his attention back to my dripping center again because he spread my legs, placing one of them over his shoulder before he gave me the best oral induced orgasm I had ever had in my entire life. He licked my folds so softly, yet so fiercely he came close to making me forget my name in the process.

One of my slightly shaking hands grasped blindly for something to hold on, something cold preferably, but the only thing I could find was the wall beside me. My other hand was fisted in his hair although I didn't remember when it had landed there.

"You taste exquisite," he whispered to my pussy, but I had heard his admirations nonetheless.

"You're fucking amazing," I replied, and when those words left my mouth, I knew that he could interpret them both literally and figuratively. But I meant both, the things this amazing man did to me, truly were fucking amazing!

"And I'm not even done with you yet," and he entered one of his long fingers inside of me, which made my hips buck in his face and a moan echoed through the small toilet. Maybe it should have bothered me that I was grinding my aching pussy in his face like that, but I didn't hear him complain so I took that as an affirmation that he was okay with it.

And fuck, was I okay with what he was doing to me! He sucked my sensitive, swollen clit in between his lips, pounding into me with his fingers as well, and every time he sucked on my clit I began feeling more light-headed than before. With his free hand, he parted my lips so he had better access to my swollen nub and the pressure he put on it with his entire tongue was so overwhelming that for one second I felt dizzy and was afraid I might faint.

His tongue left my clit then, although his fingers still encircled it, playing and teasing it and bringing me closer and closer to an orgasm I would never forget.

The fingers inside my aching core stopped for a second and I was about to protest, but when I felt how he opened his fingers in a V and brought his tongue in between them, French kissing me down _there _I closed my mouth and gave myself completely to the sensation of his tongue inside me.

He filled me completely, moving around in my burning center until I was ready to explode. My heart was racing, thundering loud in my chest and drumming in my ears, when the start of my orgasm ripped through my body, leaving me shuddering and shivering around his magical fingers and tongue. He didn't stop when he felt that my orgasm reached its peak, on the contrary, he continued to lick, suck and nibble while furiously pumping me with his fingers until a second wave crashed over me, leaving me even more breathless and panting harder than before.

The grip of my fingers in his hair must have been painful, because when I looked down to the scenery before me, I saw how white my knuckles were.

I loosened my grip a little, but gave myself on second to admire the scene in front of me. It was undeniably hot, seeing him kneeling in front of me, licking his fingers clean from the mess my juices had left.

Before he could speak or do anything else, I placed my leg back on the ground, pulled him up and joined his tongue on his fingers, tasting my own arousal on his hand for the second time. That must have aroused him more because he pressed his throbbing erection against my dripping core, trusting against me to show me that we weren't done yet, while our tongues licked his fingers and got entangled in a passionate dance again.

When his fingers were clean once again, I removed my bra, unbuttoned his shirt and unbuckled his pants and I was stunned by my own coordination. His pants landed with a soft thud, pooled around his ankles, and were soon followed by his black shirt.

I admired his body openly because I had never seen such a beautiful male this close before in my entire life. Okay, James went to the gym every week and had muscles his mates were jealous of, but this was more natural and graceful, as if his abs and strong muscles were whittled on stone.

I let my eyes get mesmerized by the perfection in front of me and when my eyes met his again, he let his gaze wander over my body slowly. I had never felt more naked or exposed than when his eyes roamed over my body, ravaging me without any physical contact. I had never felt more desired or wanted than I did at that moment, especially when he told me how beautiful my naked form was.

I swallowed hard while I looked for the right words to speak, but when his eyes met mine again and saw the lust reflected in his dark green stare; I knew exactly what I wanted to say. _I_ wanted to be the one who said the words James had always said before. _I_ wanted to be in control this time. _I_ wanted to be the one who dominated. I had started it that way and would finish it like that as well.

"Fuck me." I purred, without blushing, while I removed his black boxer shorts. One of my hands was on his hip now, pulling him a little bit closer while the other stroked his hard length confidently. And when I saw how it was glistening with pre-cum, I positioned myself a little bit better -one leg hooked around his hip while the other one rested against the opposite wall in front of me- and guided him towards my aching, wet entrance. I wanted to feel his hard steel inside me, fucking me blissfully until I could forget my past and the memories that haunted me for the past few years.

It's not that I didn't want to suck him -I did- but I was selfish and for the first time in my life I wanted something for myself. I felt confident that I could get it, that I could determine what was happening for once and it felt so damn good. It gave my self-esteem the boost it needed, healing me a little.

The tip of his erection was almost inside of me, when both of us seemed to realize that precautions were appropriate. Not that I had any STD's, I knew that, but I couldn't be sure about him. But fuck, I didn't have any condoms with me!

_FuckerthefuckfuckfuckFUCK! _

I screamed the most delicious profanities inside my head but when he bent down to remove a condom from his pocket, and I smiled graciously at him.

_Damn_ _he's good. And fuck, he had this all planned!_

He must have seen how the realization dawned on me because he wanted to say something. But I placed my finger on his lips and informed his that it was okay; that I wanted this too.

The frown on his face was replaced by a smile now, and once he was ready after rolling the condom over his proud manhood he looked me in the eyes again, as if he wanted to make sure that I really wanted to do this. It was one of the most meaningful looks a man had ever given me in my entire existence.

I'd never done anything like this in my life, but damn, I had never been more hot and bothered either, so there was no way I was going to recoil now.

"Fuck me," I repeated my earlier words and if he thought there was any doubt in my eyes, my words proved him wrong. I wanted him inside me. Now.

It was that little bit of encouragement he seemed to need because he moved his hips closer to mine at the same time as his lips found mine in a very slow but passionate kiss.

I knew this was far from lovemaking, hell I didn't even know his name and didn't feel the need to ask, but the way he paid attention to my physical reaction made me feel special and special had been something I only felt when I was around my loving parents.

As soon as his tongue slipped inside the warmth of my mouth, his steel hard erection did the same and I gasped when he buried himself deep inside me, consuming me fully.

God, it felt good to be filled completely.

He stilled his movements, but only for a second or less, focusing his attention on my lips instead. He explored every corner of my mouth as if he was memorizing it for later, locking it inside his memory to replay it in his head over and over again when sleep didn't want to come at night. Or when he needed something hot to remember when he wanted to cum.

He stroked my tongue slowly yet passionately, while I struggled to dominate the kiss. He must have sensed my need to be in charge because he gave in with a soft moan, following the dance I was leading.

That last thought about him using this scene while gripping himself later that night made me more aroused and involuntarily, my hips started to buck and his followed suit.

"Fuck, you're so hot and tight," he murmured against my panting lips, before he moved his lips over my jaw, to my ear to suck on the sensitive skin just below it. Never in the three and a half years with James, had he bothered to do anything that I liked, neither did he know that the skin below my left ear was my most sensitive spot. But this stranger, whose name was still a mystery to me, was fucking me in a slow but oh-so delicious way and sucking _that_ spot without me telling him that I loved it so much. He must have heard how my breathing turned more labored when he had done it before, and he remembered it.

As much as I wanted to take things slow and make this last for the rest of the flight, the need in my body was slowly building to a height that I wouldn't be able to come back from, and I liked it.

"Faster," I encouraged him and was immediately rewarded with more pressure and more frantic movements. As his length rammed in and out me, a warm glow started to spread through my belly and down to my throbbing core and in the end I wasn't sure anymore if it was from his relentless thrusting or because he was still sucking that spot. Maybe it was both.

"More please" I encouraged him; my breath coming in raw gasps now. In any other situation, a doctor would have started to worry that something was seriously wrong with me but in the heat of the moment, someone's body will do weird things to cope with exquisite, torturous acts like this one now.

He must have known that I referred to both things -the fucking and sucking- because he moved his hips eagerly and sucked my skin in between his lips fiercely. I was sure that there would be a mark later, but I didn't care. It would be my physical proof that this had been real and not one of my amazingly hot dreams.

His left hand enveloped the back of my neck, his fingers entangled in my messy hair, while his other hand played with my breast, kneading it gently in a way that didn't feel as if he was looking for the right radio frequency, like I often thought it felt when James did it.

When all these thoughts ran through my head, I suddenly felt like he was doing all these things for me but I wasn't doing anything back and that was not who I was. Determined to please him as well, I arched my back, re-angled our position and rolled my hips some more, and when he gasped and moaned in my ear in return, I knew that I was doing the right thing.

"God damnit, you're so fucking delicious!" He told me, keeping my earlobe hostage for a few seconds, leaving it tingling and red only to focus on my mouth again. But I wanted to look him in the eyes when I came, so I fisted my fingers in the crazy locks of his hair and pulled it upwards until his eyes locked with mine.

"I want you to watch me when I come. For you. Only for you."

Normally, I would have blushed when I said something like that, but this man evoked feelings and primal desires in me that were far from normal. Or maybe they were but I hadn't ever experienced them.

"Come for me, sexy goddess," he whispered in my ear before he penetrated me with his eyes again.

"I want to," I whispered, biting my lip and pushing my heaving breasts in his marble chest.

"You will," he said confidently, and when one of his hands moved in between our bodies to rub my clit, I knew that I would. Pushing in me harder and faster, deeper if that was even possible, and rubbing my clit all at the same time made me see exploding galaxies and space trips to the moon behind my closed eyelids. I didn't know where I was, I couldn't even remember my own name. All I could do was force large intakes of oxygen into my burning lungs while I rode a blissful height.

Somewhere along that ride, he joined me with the most beautiful moans and groans I had ever heard in my entire life. If I was a musician, I would compose a song with only his moans in it; but I wasn't.

He was panting, his warm breath hot against my damp skin when he slowly continued to thrust in me, less frantic and eager this time. He was enjoying his orgasm completely and so was I, but when we heard the voice of the captain through the intercom, announcing that we were about to start our descent into John F. Kennedy Airport we were pulled from our heavenly cocoon abruptly.

We grabbed our clothes frantically and pulled them on, bumping into each other regularly. The awkwardness I feared that would come after that fuck was erased with the sound of his velvet voice in the small space of the plane toilet.

"You, my beautiful angel, just blew my mind," and he kissed my lips one more time before he unlocked the door and gave me some time to get myself ready again. I walked on cloud nine after hearing those words and was amazed by how much I had _needed_ to hear them.

I thanked him in my head, for giving my confidence and ego the boost it needed and I knew that meeting him was fate. He had healed my heart a little and switched on a tiny light in the darkness that used to envelop me, giving me hope that the future could be better than the past.

When we landed safely on the ground and people around us stood up and started to gather their things, we knew that our ways were about to separate. I felt the soft feeling of his pinkie hugging mine, and it made me smile. I looked up to gaze into his warm green eyes. which were free from any previous sadness they had contained and my previous smile doubled in intensity. His eyes were so much more beautiful when there was no trace of sadness.

There was a tiny little voice in my head that said to not let him go, but I blocked it out and let the warmth of his smile warm my heart a little.

"Be safe and live again," he whispered while his free thumb stroked my left cheek lovingly. I closed my eyes and leaned into the softness of his touch a little, to make the moment last a little longer.

"I will," I said, and I meant it. "Be hopeful. The best is yet to come," I thought but when he replied that he liked the sound of that, I knew that I had voiced my thoughts instead.

"It's the truth," I explained, "It has to be," and I gently swapped the stubborn strands of his messy hair that had fallen before his eyes, stroking his hair a little and feeling the silkiness of it under the touch of my fingers one more time before I never saw him again.

"Bye," he said before he disappeared into the sea of eager passengers, sending me one more dazzling smile before he left the plane.

"Bye," I murmured before I took my overnight bag and left the airplane as well. Never would a plane and its toilet look the same to me again.

I spotted his messy hair a few more times in the luggage claim but I didn't approach him, and he didn't come to me. I simply relived the things that had happened between us, let my fingers wander over the sensitive skin below my left ear where a hickey would be for the rest of the week and felt the soreness in between my thighs. It was a pleasurable pain though, a sexual encounter that would heal me in the long run.

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

So this was the first of four sexual healings. Yes, only 4 chapters. Nothing more, nothing less. There are only 4 seasons to write about, right? So, anyone eager to read what happens in Autumn? Specualtions? Suggestions? Hopes? Special requests? Let me know!

For those out there, reading Collide. I haven't abandoned that fic, I was just... missing the vibe of that story but I think I discovered it again because I wrote not one but two chapters today. Updates are coming soon ladies!

Now, will an airplane toilet ever be the same for you girls, after reading this chapter? I hope not!


	2. Chapter 2: Make me feel wanted in Autumn

Thanks to the most amazing and superb beta's in the Twilight universe. Thanks Courtney for her beta-skills, Shabbyapple for the read through and valdiation of this chapter. A big _thank you_ for Sarah_Elizabeth, for being her amazing self and helping me with this chapter. You girls are all heaven sent!

And _thank you _Milla, for making this amazing banner that fits the story perfectly! The banner will have more sense after you read this chapter ladies...

I wouldn't write if it weren't for you girls. Thanks for _all_ of you who saved this story to her favorites, commented,... You are the best!

*group hug*

* * *

**Chapter 2: Make Me Feel Wanted in Autumn**

"_Autumn's a mellow time"  
_-William Allingham-

**Edward, November 16**

I was crossing 54th Street East and Park Avenue when I saw _her_ again.

After all that time, I finally found her on a day that I wasn't even looking for her. I caught her on the day that I had agreed to meet Jane, my ex fiancée, for the first time since the incident again and I had been dreading this day for the entire week. That meeting was one of the worst thing that had happened to me in recent months, except for the incident in the first place. But seeing _her_ in the darkest of my days felt like one of the best things that had ever happened to me, except for meeting her in the first place - months ago.

It wasn't that I had looked actively for her, after our paths separated in the airplane. I didn't even have a name to look for, only a face, a warm voice and a beautiful body. She didn't even tell me if she was on vacation in New York City, switching planes at JFK or simply returning home. But neither had I. We didn't tell each other much actually, but when she told me that the best is yet to come, I knew that she recognized some of the darkness that surrounded me, felt the same emptiness I had seen in her soul, and it felt good to be understood without explaining the specifics. Meeting her again, today, must mean something, right?

Honestly, I have to confess that I _did_ see her in every brunette that crossed my path during the first two weeks after that encounter in August. It seemed as if the world contained more brunettes with curling locks in those two weeks than I had ever seen in my entire , none of them ended up being my Goddess from the flight.

I didn't even know _why_ I was looking for her back then, since I wasn't in the mood for a relationship. I wasn't even ready to make a fresh start with someone new. I was too heartbroken and the idea of trusting someone again made me feel ill to the bone. I had just broken up with Jane, who I had dated for almost four years. Actually, she had probably broken up with me. Tell me, who breaks up with whom when you walk in your freshly bought apartment, only to find your fiancée bent over the couch and your best friend ramming her from behind?

They didn't even acknowledge my presence until they were nearly finished. Don't ask me why I stood there, watching them. It wasn't that I wanted to watch their little porn fest, but it was more that I couldn't move my legs, even if I wanted to. As if my brain and body were deactivated for a few minutes. It was only when Jane told my best friend that I had never made her feel like this, that I found my legs moving again.

I caught Jake by surprise and broke his jaw when my fist made contact with it, while he was still positioned behind my girlfriend, gripping her hips while he almost came. I doubt he did come that night though.

I didn't speak a word to either one of them, I simply ignored my former best friend who was crying on the floor and stared in Jane's shocked eyes for only a second before I left our place. Our home-to-be. I didn't want to waste any words to her back then, and now never again. She wasn't worth the waste, I realized.

Meeting Jane for lunch today had been one of the worst ideas I had recently had and that had to count for something. But it had to be done. The papers of the apartment needed to be signed and send to my lawyer tomorrow and I had postponed it, waited until the last moment to call her.

It was the first time since our break up that we would see each other again and I hoped that it would be the last time our paths crossed. It wasn't that I still had feelings for her, at least no feelings that I used to call love, affection or friendship. No, annoyance and hatred must come closer to what I was feeling right now. Oh and I had a pounding headache as well which felt as if a truck had ran over my head. And back.

The annoyance had started when she was fifteen minutes late, which she knew I hated with a passion. If you agree to meet someone at a certain time then make sure that you are there, on time.

I grumbled under my breath when she finally arrived, kissed her friendly on the cheek but let me tell you that that feels like one of the most awkward gestures ever when the woman you kiss is your ex fiancée. The awkward atmosphere changed into a tense itching blanket the second she removed her winter coat and scarf. She did her best to hide it, but the bump of her stomach had caught my eye the moment it was exposed to me.

"How long?" I had gritted through my teeth, dropping all decency that I had in me.

"Seventeen weeks," she whispered and I pulled my hand that was lying on the table between us away quickly when she tried to cover it with hers. This was not the time to soothe me, after I had just discovered that my ex was more than four months pregnant, and if Jane would have known me better she would have signed those papers immediately and would have left. Instead of that, she waited patiently until I composed myself a little bit and annoyed the crap out of me.

"Is it his?" I spat, not bothering to keep my voice down. This wasn't how I had thought our meeting would go but then again, I never thought that my life would turn out like this either.

"It is. One time, we..." but I didn't let her finish that sentence. I knew what she was about to say and I didn't want to hear it.

I was relieved though, that it wasn't mine because I didn't need another reminder of my screwed up past for the rest of my days. I know that's probably rude to say but I think I deserved a clean slate after the shit that was pulled on me and the baby deserved two loving parents, living happily together and not a messed up situation like ours. But I felt a growing hate for both Jane and Jacob, forming in the depth of my soul, because apparently they had been messing around my back for longer than I dared to think.

"Don't bother to send me an invitation," I told her angrily, in case she wondered about that.

"Edward, don't be like that..." she tried and leaned forward again but the look I gave her made her shrink back in her chair and swallow the words she was about to say. It was then that I realized, for the first time in my life, what it was to hate someone.

I hated Jane, for doing this to me, for ruining the dream and future we had. I hated her for shattering my ultimate and unconditional love I felt for her. And I hated Jacob, for betraying my trust and breaking our friendship like that. We had once promised that no woman would ever come between us but that was before he screwed my fiancée.

That image of them, bend over on the couch together, was burned on my retinas for the rest of my days and seeing her again, brought back those images and it made the hate increase tenfold.

"Sign those god damn papers Jane and pray to god that we will never see each other again."

People started to look in our direction but I didn't care that we were causing a scene. I didn't care for much when Jane was involved.

She did as I asked her and I stood up, grabbing my leather jacket and tapping my foot on the floor until her signature was set on the papers in front of her. She had the guts to take my hand before I had the time to storm through the door, my appetite long gone, and told me she was sorry for the way things went.

If my blood wasn't boiling before, it was boiling then. Never in my life had I felt the need to break something (except for Jake's jaw) -throw a cup or anything related against the wall, shattering and breaking into a million pieces- until then. But I didn't give in to the boiling rage, instead I knew that the autumn wind would cool me down so I practically ran outside and forced some deep breaths in my lungs before I started to walk, not knowing where exactly I was going. I just walked and walked, cleared my head and forced myself to think of other things than the swell of her stomach or Jacob taking her from behind. I just walked and walked until I looked up and saw _her_ crossing the street. She was an angel, sent from above and I wanted her, right now. I needed to feel wanted again, not rejected, and she was my safe haven.

I would have screamed her name if I knew it, but instead of that, I stared at her with the stupidest grin on my face while I drank in her appearance. She looked even better than she did in my dreams; those memories didn't do her justice. She wore dark brown leather knee length boots and I could see the material of what must be a dark green dress or skirt, but her coat prevented me to put my finger on that. Her hair was pulled up in a high messy ponytail, her long neck hidden in the warmth of a thick scarf. And there was nothing more that I wanted to do than peel of those clothes, bury myself within her and forget the things that could never be forgotten.

_Fuck! _I groaned, my growing arousal being more dominant than the headache I was previously experiencing.

The grin faltered though, when I saw her disappearing behind the corner, taking Park Avenue, and I practically ran after her. I ran and ran until I saw her bouncing ponytail again and slowed down when I looked for the proper opening sentence in my head. It was only when I saw her entering the Museum of Modern Art at 11 West 53rd Street that I realized that I didn't know what to say or do. But I had to do something - anything - because there was no way I was going to let her go now I had just found her.

Automatically, I followed her inside the MoMA to be greeted with a sea of people. I looked around frantically, scanning the area for any sign of her and when I saw the back of a lady with a crisp white shirt and a green pencil skirt, I knew it was her. I would recognize her ass out of thousands of others.

My legs moved forward, crossing the distance between us to make her aware of my presence, but before I could say anything, she entered the museum with a bunch of enthusiastic teenagers behind her.

As soon as I saw how she stopped in front of the painting in the entrance of the museum and heard her honey-like voice explaining the theme of the exhibition they were about to visit, I knew that she worked as a guide in the MoMA and a plan formed itself in my head.

Twelve minutes later, I walked out of the museum with a reservation of a guided nocturnal tour for Isabella Swan and myself.

_Isabella Swan. _

It was nice to finally put a name on that beautiful face and after tonight, she would known mine as well - if she remembered me in the first place.

It had taken a lot of effort to convince the administrative coworker that I wanted that tour as late as possible and that I didn't care that they have a staff meeting scheduled then, which required Isabella's attendance, or that the museum closed at 5:30 that night. It was only after I wrote a check to make a generous donation to the Museum that the coworker made a phone call to ask permission for that nocturnal private tour and even before she put down the phone again, I knew that whoever she had called, agreed.

It took me all the effort of the world to stop myself from screaming out loud, out of joy, or doing a happy dance. But I couldn't help but smile broadly when I walked outside the museum and headed home. Maybe today wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be.

***

_Later that night, around 5:30 pm _

It felt like the calmness before the storm when I took the underground. Everything was going too well to be true and I simply knew that bad things were about to happen. That was one of the things Jane was responsible for: breaking my optimism and upbeat mood. I never doubted anyone or anything until I walked in on them like that. That night changed everything and broke me, in what felt like a non repairable way. I never could have thought that it was possible for a human being to have such an impact on me, but Jane and Jacob definitely had.

Maybe it was time for me to change that? Maybe meeting Isabella Swan again today meant something, was the signal that I had to compose myself and be myself again? But how do you be yourself if you're lying on the floor, scattered, and are afraid to reach out to someone because you don't dare to trust anyone anymore?

I was five minutes early and for once in my life I wished for a cigarette to kill the time. Now I simply stood there, feeling like a nervous 16 year old, picking his girl up for a first date. Was this a date? Hardly. I think paying your date to guide you through the MoMA isn't considered a date at all.

I walked across the street to the design shop that was related to the museum and looked through the window for anything that would look good in my new apartment. But I couldn't even concentrate on the things I saw because nerves were making my brain clouded and my body tense.

I had two options: I could pull myself together, cross the street again and enter the museum or I could be a coward and go home, feel miserable as usual. Thinking about it, I didn't really have two options but only one. If I wanted to live again, I had to let go of Jane and Jacob and pick up the pieces of my scattered soul, glue them together and try to be a better man.

How badly I wanted to be a better man, than the to succumb to the bitterness that was dominantly present in my life for the past months... It was time to change - to heal. Today would be the first step, a small step towards the future.

I crossed the street, giving myself a small pep talk, entered the museum, and was greeted with a brightly smiling Isabella Swan. She stood there, in the middle of the entrance, the end of her ponytail twirling around her fingers but smiling broadly.

"It's you. How..?," she whispered, bouncing up and down on the balls of her foot, when I crossed the distance between us. Her face glowed in the dimmed entrance hall and I wished I had the guts to pull her closer into a hug and smell the fragrance of her hair. But I simply stood there, grinning like a fool, while I drank in her appearance.

She looked absolutely stunning and breathtaking. She looked even better than the first time I saw her. The dark, almost purple, rings that had been under her eyes had faded and she had a twinkle in her eyes that told me that she was happy. Less did I know that she was happy to see me?

She brought her hand upwards, to my face, and it was trembling a little bit. Her shaking fingers ghosted over my hair and skin, as if she didn't believe that it was actually me. She never really touched my face or cupped my cheek, although I did imagine she did when I closed my eyes and let her drink in my presence. I imagined how her warm fingers would feel like on my cold, freshly shaven face. Or how her thumb would caress my lips. I wished for her fingers to touch my skull and to fist into my hair, but it was only that: an imagination.

It was only when I heard her whispering voice again, that I opened my eyes and stared into the warmth of her gaze.

"_You _are the generous donator everyone is talking about."

"Yes I am. I am also the man you met on the airplane from San Francisco." Up until now, she hadn't told me that she did remember me although her actions and body language could hardly be mistaken. But I needed to hear her say the words, to glue some pieces of my soul together.

She dropped her hand and lowered her head, blushing fiercely.

"I know Mister Cullen, I know. I knew the second you walked through that door," her eyes met mine again and if I didn't know better I think her eyes twinkled even brighter.

"Edward, please call me Edward." I told her and she nodded her head affirmatively.

We smiled at each other for a few seconds, not sure what to say or do. It was only when the silence was changing into something more awkward, that I spoke again.

"I'm sorry for buying your presence like this Isabella." But before I could continue my excuses, she interrupted me.

"Bella. Please call me Bella. And stop making excuses for things that don't need excuses in the first place. You didn't buy my presence, you made yourself owner of a few stones in the Museum instead, and there's a big difference."

She smiled again and was about to turn around to start the guiding tour, when her walkie-talkie beeped. She excused herself for a second and put some distance between us, but I could still hear what she was saying. I heard how another staff member checked in on her, to see if everything would be all right. It made me realize that others were concerned about her well being tonight, as if I would hurt her. But they were right, they didn't know about me; or that Bella and I had seen each other before. For all they knew, I could be a creep with indecent intentions.

_As if my intentions were so decent..._

"I'm ready to go. Are you?" She asked when she had shut down her walkie-talkie again. Not waiting for my answer, she walked towards the entrance and I simply stared at her for a second, her hips swaying from left to right, which made my cock twitch with anticipation.

_Fuck decent intentions and live a little!_

When I caught up with her again, she explained that we would start at the top of the museum, where the temporary exhibition of Miro was held. Normally, that would be the end of the tour, but she wanted to do it differently so she could close of the lights every time they finished a certain area and set in the alarm as well.

"We always start at the top of the museum, when we close it off, that's the standard procedure you see. So I hope you don't mind if we start upstairs?" she pressed the button of the elevator when I told her that that was perfect.

During the short ride in the elevator, I wondered if Bella realized that I was here to see her, instead of the art in the museum. I thought it had to be obvious - she must know that the guided tour wasn't just coincidence, right? But the more I thought about it, the more I believed that she really thought this was nothing more than coincidence or fate having fun with us. Never once did she ask something personal, she always stayed her professional self.

The exhibition of Miro must have been fantastic -I had heard and read a lot of positive articles about it- but I couldn't remember any of the paintings and drawings we had seen. Bella had talked non-stop, informing me about small trivial things about the artist or the work, but the words she spoke never made it to my brain. I listened to the sound of her voice and the enthusiasm of which she talked and it made me realize that she really loved her job. I registered the movements of her lips but couldn't form words with it. The only thing I knew was that the sound of her voice and the movements of her lips had a fascinating effect on my lower regions and it was driving me crazy.

When she started the tour on the next floor, I was about to explode. I didn't know where the boldness had come from but before I knew what I was doing, I stood behind Isabella with my hands resting on her hipbones.

Instead of becoming tense like I had anticipated, she relaxed against my front and it was then that I realized that Bella had felt the shift in atmosphere in the short elevator ride a few seconds ago like I had. And if she was surprised or shocked when I spoke the next words, she didn't really show it.

"You are driving me crazy Isabella Swan. Honestly, I didn't book a tour to see the museum, but to feel you again. I want to touch your naked skin and feel your lips around me. I want to bury myself deep inside you and forget my name." I whispered those words into her ear and I saw and felt her shiver against me.

"So this isn't coincidence Edward? You and this tour?" Her voice was low and even more seductive than normal.

"No, my angel. I saw you around lunch, near Park Avenue, and I just had to feel you, touch you. Your mouth is driving me crazy, Bella, and the way your lips move; it makes me forget to listen to whatever you are saying. And you look so god damn sexy and pretty in that skirt but there is nothing more that I want to do than peel all those clothes and bury myself inside you."

_And forget all the pain and heartache for a few moments._

She didn't react immediately and I feared that I had crossed some boundaries. Maybe my intentions were indeed too indecent. This was after all the place where Bella worked and I wanted to take her here, on the floor, up against the wall or wherever she let me.

I was about to excuse myself and put some distance between us again, when she took my hand and told me she had an idea.

Twinkles were sparkling in her eyes again, like the first time she had seen me in the hall and I hoped that was a good thing. I really hated the insecurities that raced through my brain and body but I simply didn't trust my knowledge or reading a female's body language anymore. That was another thing Jane was responsible for and the hatred I had felt earlier today was back tenfold. I used to be more secure and certain of my capacities but when I found out that my best friend and fiancée were screwing each other, I lost the trust in myself.

"Hey, you spaced out for a few, you okay?" I heard Bella say but I didn't really see her. Thinking about Jane had blurred my vision and my breathing labored. Bella must have guided us into a small conference room because I registered the difference in temperature and lighting but she mistook my labored breathing for something different and unashamed, she cupped my erection through the material of my pants.

What happened then, happened so fast and it probably didn't even last longer than a few moments, but I would never forgive myself that it had happened in the first place. In a rush of movements, I unbuttoned my pants, pulled up Bella's skirt, shoved her panties aside, flipped her over the conference table and buried myself deep inside her.

At first, she didn't feel the shift in my behavior; she seemed to enjoy the roughness of our sex game. But when I simply took her from behind, didn't bother to speak to her or please her -I was a selfish bastard screwing Jane in my head- and the angriness of every trust increased with each second that passed, she must have realized that something was off. It was a strong "_Edward, STOP!"_ that pulled me out of my reverie.

The cold reality felt like a bucket of ice cubs being pulled over me. Shame took control over me when I realized what I had done and there was nothing that I wanted to more than disappear. Or turn the tide and do things differently.

"I abused you," I told her, while my vision blurred again. Tears were to blame for that this time and I blinked rapidly and willed them to go away.

Bella turned around, pulled her skirt down again and I hastily put my clothes on as well. I prepared myself for a smack on the cheek, or nose or wherever she wanted to slap me, but it never came. How I'd wished she would slap me. Hurt me, like I hurt her.

She stepped closer but I wanted to put as much distance between us as possible. I took a step backwards, and then another one when she took another step closer to me. My back hit the wall and I turned around to bail through the door on my right. But Bella crossed the distance between us in a swift movement and laid her head between my shoulder blades and placed her hand on my heart, hugging me from behind.

"Don't you dare to walk away from me like this Edward. Even I deserve better," she whispered and for a split second I could hear a lifetime of pain in her voice.

"Even I," she mumbled one last time and I really ached to know who had made her feel so less of herself.

I turned around and mourned the loss of her close embrace immediately. Unconsciously, my hand reached out for her to cup her cheek, a gesture she seemed to appreciate because she closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh.

"I'm so sorry Bella, no woman deserves to be treated like that. I'm so sorry for using you like that." I offered, my words feeling cheap and nothing but a lame excuse.

"Tell me where you were. Tell me who you were fucking, who you were seeing, Edward. Tell me."

For a few seconds I really thought that I had imagined those questions but when I stared into her eyes and could see the expectance in them, I knew that this was not a trick of my imagination. This was Isabella Swan asking me to tell her about my screwed up past, to spill my burden and show her the months of pain I had endured. She wanted to know about Jane and Jacob, the misery they had caused because she _knew _and _felt _that I was suffering. She expected me to show her the emptiness in my chest, the slow beating of my heart and that living felt more like surviving these past months instead of _really _living and enjoying life.

I couldn't do that, could I?

I stared at her, begging her with my eyes to let things go, telling her that I couldn't tell her because it hurt so fucking much. But any resolve and restraint I had inside of me was swept away the second she kissed my aching and poorly beating heart and whispered that she wasn't her.

_I'm not her, Edward._

_I'm not her, Edward._

_I'm not her, Edward._

Those words echoed through my head and when I looked in her eyes one more time I _knew_ that this woman was speaking the truth. She was not Jane and I was not that man anymore. So the second hand version of me told her everything she needed and deserved to know after I used her body and fucked Jane in my head instead.

I told her about the cheating ex fiancée and ex best friend; how I had spent evenings on Jake's couch preparing and perfecting my wedding proposal. I added the pregnancy I found out today as well and how I realized this afternoon that they had already hooked up during those proposal preparations. I filled her in on every feeling I had felt these past months. I explained her that I fled to San Francisco, where my twin sister Alice and her husband Jasper live, the day after I walked in on them, and how I spent my days there, in bed, feeling miserable and crying. I filled her in on the fact that my sister told me to pull my shit together and go out for once, on the 5th day of my stay there, and that I never hated and loved my sister more then on that day. I was angry that she couldn't feel my pain and told me to pull myself together but in the end is was the best thing she had ever done for me. I went to the beach that day, walked around the pier and cleared my head, told myself that this was not the end of the world although it still felt like it was.

I told Bella about the plane ride back home and how she was Heaven sent. She was everything I desperately needed after what had happened and although she interrupted me to tell me she used me that day, I didn't agree. Or maybe I did but the thing was, it didn't matter because I used her too. I used her to give my self-esteem a boost again, even if it lasted only for the time we spend in that too small toilet and the half hour afterwards until the cold reality of NYC hit me again. But I had spent at least _that _time living again.

When I had told her everything, it felt like a piece of the burden was lifted from my shoulders and that felt god damn good. But I felt empty and shallow as well, as if I had nothing left to give anymore. And I desperately wanted to give this amazing woman something because she had been nothing but supportive and understanding during the revelation of my painful past. She had comforted me, soothed me and had placed soft kisses all over my face, neck and chest; taking some of the pain away by simply being here with me.

I didn't know what I had expected to happen when silence filled the room after I talked for what felt like hours, but when she purred the next words in my ear, I knew that I hadn't expected _that._

"I want to make you feel wanted again Edward, glue some of your pieces together. Believe me when I say that that was the first thing I had thought when I laid eyes on you today - that I wanted you- and I want to show you. Will you please let me?" And she teased me with pressing her luscious curves against my front slightly.

I was about to protest, remind her about the fact that I had used her before but she didn't let my destructive side pop in again. Instead of that, she swallowed my word vomit by placing her lips on my open mouth and licking my lips with the tip of her tongue.

I forgot everything when her silk tongue made contact with mine and I simply enjoyed the warmth that action evoked inside of me. Instead of thinking about how wrong this was, I took pleasure in the fact that this felt so right at the same time. Her warm fingers slit over the front of my chest, under the lapels of my vest, removing the clothing part in the process. It fell to the floor in a soft thud, but the world could have exploded and still I wouldn't have noticed it. The only thing my hearing registered was the loud thudding of my heart, my pulse hammering piercingly under my heated skin.

Her mouth left my lips, traveled down my neck where she sucked the skin at the base of my throat, leaving dots of red blood visible under the wet skin. With steady fingers she unbuttoned my black shirt, exposing more skin with every button that popped free and pleasing that new discovered skin with her tongue and lips, paying more attention to my nipples and belly button, driving me more and more insane with every passing minute.

My shirt hung loosely around my shoulders but she wanted it gone and I obeyed. I was at her mercy and god it felt good to trust someone again, even if it was only for sexual pleasure. It was a start, a little step forward.

She kneeled in front of me, after my shirt joined my vest, and made quick work of my belt and zipper. And before I knew what she was doing, I felt her warm breath and lips touching my erection with feather like kisses. Looking down at the sight in front of me, made me almost come and it took all my willpower to delay the orgasm a little longer. I didn't last much longer though because Bella was a pro when it came to sucking my dick.

She enveloped the base of my erection with her hand and guided him towards her mouth, licking the head of it with her tongue, making it glister more than it was already doing with pre-cum. And when she took him in her mouth completely, I had to steady myself against the wall. I threw my head back and gripped the cold wall for dear life. The coldness made me come to my senses for only one second, because then she started to give me the best blowjob ever, and every rational thought escaped from my brain.

"Fuck, Bella!" I grunted, moaning her name and I promised her heaven for being so delicious. She chuckled softly, or at least that's what I think she was doing because I couldn't really tell since she was still worshipping my dick like it was her favorite disco stick, and hearing those sounds, the warmth of her laughter while she encircled my cock with her mouth made me come, hard.

I wanted to pull away but she didn't want to have any of that. Instead, she gripped my hip with her free hand and blocked me from moving anywhere. Feeling self-conscious, she swallowed everything of me, and continued to suck and lick until I was clean and never in my life did I feel so desired.

I offered her my hands and pulled her up to her feet so she was eye level with my face again. Her eyes were dark warm brown, penetrating my ever being with her stare only and fuck, I wanted her even more than I did before. She must have read the lust in my body language because she licked her lips and kissed me fully on the mouth, letting me taste myself.

My hands found their way to her hair, removing the elastic band from her ponytail so my eager fingers could play with her strawberry smelling curly locks that cascaded down her shoulders and back. But my hands had more areas to discover and they soon traveled down her front, cupping her perky breasts through the material of her white blouse. She liked my actions; the moan that escaped her mouth was the evidence of that.

She stopped me though, abruptly, removing my hungry fingers from her body and taking a step backwards. For a second I feared that I had misinterpreted her moaning sounds, but when she started the unbutton her crisp white shirt teasingly slow, her eyes never leaving mine, I knew that she was playing me.

She turned around so she was with her back towards me and let her shirt fall down the floor, followed by the dark green pencil skirt that hid her ass, I, so desperately wanted to cup. In nothing but her dark lingerie, she looked over her shoulder while she walked towards the small wooden conference table where she positioned herself on top of it and curled her finger and beckoned me closer.

As if being hypnotized, I walked towards her, kicked my shoes off in the process and positioned myself in between her legs. They were slightly open, inviting me in, and I moved my hands up her calves, towards the hollow of her knees and dragged her slightly towards me, opening her legs some more.

She unclasped her bra and removed the beautiful item as well before she lay down on the table. Her own hands traveled over her chest, to play with her nipples making them erect under her touch, down her bare stomach and under the hem of her black silk hot hips. One of her hands dipped lower inside her panties and hungrily, I watched how she played with herself, making me hotter and more bothered with every panting movement.

I couldn't take it any longer, I was already blessed with a new throbbing erection and when she lifted her hips, I was more than willing to help her with the removal of her already soaked panties. The fingers of her right hand continued to dip inside her, stroking the tender folds in a way that did not only give her pleasure but me as well.

When she removed her fingers, they glistered in the dim light of the room. She touched her breasts again, leaving a wet trail of wet arousal on her body and I had to have her, right then and there.

I grabbed my wallet and rolled a condom over my member before I guided the tip of my erection into her hot, wet center.

"More Edward," she moaned and I obeyed willingly. With one confident trust, I filled her completely and it earned me a warm gasp in return. Very slowly and with deliberate trusts, I moved inside her and it was the closest to making love that I was able for the past few months. Bella met my every movement, pushing her hips towards me, arching her back to feel me more deeply. While my right hand was gripping her hip, my other free hand moved over her bare stomach up towards her heaving chest but I needed to feel more of her. And before I knew what I was doing, I took her in my arms and pushed her with her back against the wall.

I hooked her long creamy legs over my hips, and felt how the heels of her dark leather boots dug into the back of my thighs, but I couldn't care less. There would be two nice bruises tomorrow and if Emmett, my brother and running buddy would see them, I would have to come up with a good explanation but right now that was the least of my concerns. Not that I had any concern at this moment except for making this beautiful angel scream my name when she came.

My hands cupped her ass - like I had longed to do since the moment I saw her today- and in a steady pace, I moved in an out her, deeper with every thrust I gave her. And every time I pushed inside her, I lost some of the pain I felt running through my veins and penetrating my ever being.

"Kiss me," she asked and _God_, that turned me on some more. She fisted her hands in my hair, hooked her fingers into my messy locks and pulled my face towards her. Gently, I placed soft kisses on her panting lips until she begged, no demanded, to push my tongue in her mouth.

"Will you stop teasing me like that and kiss me already Edward. Please?"

The _please _was just for the show, I knew it, but I didn't care. She could ask me anything right now because I was at her mercy. And when I finally kissed her, stroking her tongue with mine and moving an inch deeper in her heated sex, I felt how my stomach started to tingle -spreading a warmth through my balls and groin until I exploded completely- it was a mind-blowing orgasm that ripped through every pore of my body, making my legs limp and my arms heavy. But my head felt light and it was the greatest feeling in days.

She came seconds later, still kissing me and we continued to kiss like that long after we rode down our high. My hands traveled up and down her sweaty body, memorizing every freckle and line of her warm skin. I wished we could stay like this for the rest of the night, entangled in each other's embrace but life doesn't fulfill every wish.

We dressed in silence, stopping sometimes to hand the other a missing clothing piece or simply to stare at the other's body. _God, how I would miss that body next to me tonight!_ I knew I could say to her that she could come with me, _stay with me_, but I couldn't do that, not with the state I was still in.

So minutes later -the guided tour absolutely forgotten- we stood in the large entrance hall of the Museum of Modern Art, which I owned a few bricks of right now, awkwardly smiling at each other, not knowing what to say or do. Bella placed her hand on my back and guided me towards the doors and outside.

"You know where to find me now," she whispered in the night, crossing her arms in front of her chest and rubbing her arms to keep herself warm.

"I do, Bella," was the only thing I could say, while I stared at the tip of my shoes.

"Open your eyes Edward and see the beauty of the world around you again. You will see that there are _a lot_ of women ogling you, wanting you. I think you're just not ready to let go off the past, not yet, but you will, soon." And she squeezed my upper arm reassuringly. "Stop feeling guilty about things you can't change, things that are out of your control and let it go, Edward. On your own time, when _you_ are ready, let it go and you'll be really free again."

I had tears skimming the rim of my eyes when she spoke those words. God, I was so stupid to let her go like this but I couldn't do it any other way. When the time was right, I would meet her again because she deserved so much more than a broken man like me.

"You're a very wise woman Isabella Swan." I murmured and stepped closer to kiss her forehead and lips one more time. Part of me felt guilty for not asking about her past and the scars on her soul that I could so clearly see but if I wanted to be free, I had to stop feeling guilty and live again. And the biggest part of me felt relieved, as if a small piece of the burden was left behind in the MoMA, with Bella and it felt damn good.

"We will be free one day Bella," I told her when I kissed her forehead and in those words was a promise hidden, a promise that we would meet again, that maybe destiny and faith had bigger plans for us -plans we couldn't think of yet because of our past- But most of all it was a promise that hope should not be abandoned, not even in the darkest of our days.

"_Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower."_  
-Albert Camus-

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Chapter End Notes:

This was the second season - only two more left. So what do you want to happen in Winter? Speculations? Suggestions? Hopes? Special requests? Expectations? Let me know!

Now, will a museum visit ever be the same for you girls, after reading this chapter? I hope not!


	3. Chapter 3: Set me Free in Winter

I cannot remember when I updated the last time, and I realize that I am a lazy writer. But we are eagerly waiting for our first baby to greet the world and I have tons of things to do and to prepare. I'm here now, with a super long chapter and I start writing the next/final chapter this week. I promise you a quicker update ladies.

A special shout out goes to **Courtney**, for being such a quick and superb beta *kisses you through my computer*. I changed some things about the chapter myself though and if there are any mistakes left, could someone please point them out? Thanks.

Dany Masen made another banner for this fic and you can check it out on my profile. She is translating this story so the Brazilian fanfic readers can enjoy this fic as well. Thanks for that hun *bows for you*

Now enjoy the update ladies and gentlemen!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Set me Free in Winter**

"_In the depths of __winter__  
I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer__"_  
-Albert Camus-

**Bella, February 25**

I should have known that my luck was about to run out anytime soon because _this_ was just too good to be true.

The apartment that I had wanted so badly was mine and that was unexpected to call the least. But the old lady who owned the place had instantly liked me and although I didn't meet all the prescriptions the advertisement required to get the apartment in the first place, she had given me a chance anyway and I was grateful for that. I was so thankful that I told Mrs. Clearwater I would paint the apartment myself instead of the company she wanted to hire. And despite the alarm bells that had started to chant in my head the minute those words left my mouth, I stuck to my promise anyhow. So that's how I found myself standing on a ladder, paint brush in the hand and dressed in an old faded jeans with more holes than fabric and a comfortable green hoodie.

I had given almost half of the living room and the entire kitchen a first coat of paint and I felt pretty confident that I would we able to give the hall and my own bedroom that first coat as well, before the day was over. The apartment wasn't big yet very cozy and practical and it was perfect for a single woman like me.

Most of the time, while I was painting, my tongue was held captive between my teeth – something I always did when I was concentrating on the task that lay before me- and when it wasn't, it was moving along the beat of whatever song that was on the radio currently. I felt good, that's for sure.

Whenever I looked around the empty apartment, a sudden warmth washed over me and invaded my senses with a calmness I hadn't experienced in a very long time. Now that I thought about it, I had never felt so good since I moved in with James more than 3 years ago. Being together with an alcoholic never provides a state of peace, not in your mind, nor your body. Every nerve ending is always on alert, even in your sleep. Even in the summer of last year, when I had decided to leave him, I had never felt so at ease as I did today. But I didn't need to worry about my time with James anymore; it was over and closed, locked inside the box of _bad memories never to revisit again._

_Home._

For the first time in months, I finally had a place to call home but it wasn't only that. I had not only a place that felt like home but I had this feeling in my heart as well that felt like home. And _that_ was something I never had dreamt to experience again, at least not when I was with James.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breathe, wondering why on earth I was thinking about James so much on the day that I had found serenity back. But before I could fully explore those thoughts and the reasons behind them, I was pulled back to reality when the shrill sound of the bell echoed through the apartment.

For a second I simply stood there – on top of the ladder- because I was confused.

_The bell -_my_ bell- just rang but no one knows I live here. Fuck!_

I was scared, the paranoia living with James had caused resurfacing again, but I found myself moving nonetheless. And when the bell rang again, I slightly jumped in my skin and ran downstairs, taking two steps at a time to cross the three floors before the person standing on the outside of my building would turn around and disappear in the New York crowd.

A delivery man stood in front of me, tapping his foot impatiently on the hard concrete of the pavement and before I could mutter a hello, a paper was pushed in my hands, as well as a black pen.

"Sign," he said, in a voice that held no gentleness, a voice that reminded me too much of the man I ran away from. A cold shiver ran from the top of my head, over the length of my spine and descended all the way to my toes and without thinking, I signed the god damn paper although I didn't know what I signed for.

"Here," and he shoved a dark brown envelope in my hands, after he had ripped the sheet of paper and black pen out of them. He was about to turn around and continue the rest of his journey when my own voice pulled him to a stop. I didn't really know where the impulse to speak came from all of a sudden, it was a boldness I had hardly experienced the past few years, but speaking up right now felt god damn good.

"I don't know who or what has bitten you in the ass Mister Cannot Smile, but a bit of friendliness doesn't cost much, you know."

I smiled warmly, both at him and at myself for being the strong Bella I used to be again. I used to feel bad when I saw people shifting in their shoes uncomfortably because of me, like Mister Hasn't Been Laid in the Past Five Years who was standing in front of me was doing right now, but I couldn't care about that anymore. He was rude and inhospitable and I didn't ask for that on this sunny winter day.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "having a bad day." And he smiled what was supposed to be a small smile but looked more like someone who was trying not to vomit on a packed subway when there was no way out.

"I'm sorry for whatever caused you distress but a smile costs nothing and it will make you look even more beautiful." I gave him a compliment and the shy smile that warmed his features made it all worth it. A second ago he looked more like my mom after she had cleaned her windows and the minute she walked inside, it had started to rain. But that man had disappeared after the compliment and a less frosty one was walking away. He waved and turned around one last time, wishing me a good day and calling me _a_ _beautiful lady_ and if my mood had been excellent before, it was even better now.

I took two steps at the same time until I reached the top floor where there was only one door which was mine. I walked inside, still smiling, and with a shake of my hip, I closed the door. It was only when I looked down at my hands, that I saw the large brown envelope that I was still holding.

I didn't recognize the handwriting: it was elegant with lots of curls and dots, and I concluded a woman must have written it. Not letting the paranoia take control of me again, I moved my fingers over the back of the envelope, opening it and removing the papers that were tucked inside it. Almost immediately, my hands started to shake uncontrollably because I _knew _those papers. I had sent those months ago, in the first week I had set foot in New York City. Actually, my female lawyer had sent them because we didn't want James to find out where I lived and simply because it was the normal procedure to do.

It had taken months for him to reply to them and when I didn't hear anything from my lawyer, I had accepted the fact that for the law, I would always be married to James. In my heart however, I didn't feel any bit of respect, friendship or love for him and I was over and done with him. It felt damn good to be done with him.

So it shouldn't mean much to me, that the papers were finally back but I would be a big liar if I said they didn't mean the world to me. They were my ticket to a free world, to be a free woman again. And although I already was one in heart, being one on paper was important too. I could live again, without feeling the shame of being a married woman and maybe in the future, loving another man. _If _James had signed them, of course.

My shaking hands couldn't be controlled and a soft yellow paper with the same curly handwriting fell down the floor. I picked it up and scanned the content of it, let all the papers fall to the floor and jumped in the air like an elephant who thinks he is an elegant ballerina.

_Bella, time to celebrate!  
You're free, girl. Free. FLY!  
V._

Victoria's simple words evoked screams of joy and shock from my throat, tears streamed down my face and the corners of my mouth were pulled into the biggest smile ever seen on earth. I knew what her words meant and I didn't check the papers for James' signature because I was free. Free like a bird and it was time to celebrate.

I hopped and danced around the small apartment and made my way to the refrigerator, looked for something alcoholic to celebrate this wonderful day with but I was greeted with a neon light and an empty fridge. But next to my fridge was the bottle of red wine my parents had given me for my eighteenth birthday and was stored for a special occasion. An occasion that never came along until now. I couldn't think about any other occasion that would be more fitting than this one and confidently, I opened the bottle of red wine, brewed in 2000, and poured myself a glass. I sipped it and let the warmth spread through my throat, while I felt like the happiest girl in the world.

I sat down on the kitchen floor, sipping from my glass of wine with the bottle next to me, and closed my eyes to enjoy the moment and store it in my mind. I could finally close this nasty chapter and focus on the future. A future that was waiting for me to discover, a future that started today.

I drank some more wine and thought about all those things I was never allowed to do when I was with James and vowed to myself never let a man control my life like that, ever again.

When my glass was empty, I poured myself another one and stared outside the large French window that showed the electrifying buzz of a city that never sleeps. A city I loved since the second I started my master in modern art and should have never left in the first place. But I was blinded by love and followed it to San Francisco where I had missed New York every day. But I was back now- for good.

Another empty glass was filled with the delicious aroma of the red wine and I continued to make plans for the future. I wondered if I had still a chance to meet a man and love him unconditionally, and when I closed my eyes I saw the wild bronze hair of a man that was constantly in the back of my mind. A man that had never bothered to contact me again after our nightly rendezvous in the MoMa, a man that touched my scarred heart and warmed my body in a way I didn't feel comfortable to be touched like since I was still a married woman. But if I was completely honest with myself, I had loved every one of his touches more than the previous ones.

This man _shouldn't_ still touch me that way since he clearly wasn't interested in me. He wanted my body and it was all I had to offer him back then. But now, from today, I was more than just an attractive female specimen. I was a single one with a bright future ahead. And if Edward wasn't interested, I was sure that others out there were.

The bottle of wine was almost empty and with a shrug, I poured myself that last bit as well and enjoyed the silence of my home, the emptiness of my head and the pounding of my heart. I was happy and it was a superb feeling to experience.

With a numbness that could only be blamed by the delicious red wine I had just consumed, I stood up. Or I made an attempt to stand because the walls suddenly seemed the dance in front of my eyes and the room was spinning. Or was I spinning? I couldn't really tell for sure. I tried again, slowly this time, and with my hands gripping the wall to my right, I made it to a standing position. A few deep breathes later; I walked over to the kitchen where I put my glass and the empty bottle in the sink before I made my way back to the ladder and the painting job that I had abandoned for the past hour and a half.

If I had been an observer of my own body, I would have seen that climbing that ladder wasn't the best idea I had ever had, but I did it anyway. I took the brush and tried to turn around, so I would face the top of the soft yellow wall again. But my coordination was even more lacking than it was when I was sober and before I could scream or realize what was happening, I crashed on the hard wooden floor, my wrist breaking the fall for me. I fell on my left hand and elbow but despite the pain, I immediately covered my face to protect it from the ladder that I expected to fall down on me. But the loud metal thud I expected never came and I sighed in relief. Maybe luck was on my side after all.

I rolled on my back and brought my arm to my face to inspect the harm the fall had caused. I didn't see any blood and felt even more relieved than I was before. The smell of blood always made me nauseous, mostly making me faint as well. But that relief was short lived when I felt the pounding increase in my wrist and elbow. A closer look told me that my wrist was already swollen and blue and when I tried to touch it, I cried out in pain.

"Fuck Bella, you did it again!" I cursed while I evaluated the options in my head.

I had no car and if I had, I wouldn't be able to drive it anyhow. I could take the subway but a quick time-check told me that rush hour was about to start and I wasn't up for standing in a crowded subway with people bumping into my bruised arm. That would probably cause more harm or made me faint, and that was not something I was looking forward to. Calling an ambulance for this was not an option even though I had a health insurance. So I choose the last option left and that was grabbing a cab to the closest hospital in town.

I looked awful with dots of paint on my face and the shattered clothes I was wearing didn't make me look any better, but I couldn't care about that right now. I needed someone to check my arm before I would rip it off so the pounding would stop. The alcoholic induced state I was in was probably to blame for my lack of concern about my appearances and it probably eased some of the pain I was feeling as well.

"Cab!" I screamed and waved my good arm frantically to catch some of the cab drivers' attention. Due to the rush hour that was about to begin, the streets were covered with the typical yellow cars and I was thankful for that. Before I could scream again, a Hispanic cab driver stopped in front of me.

I thanked him and smiled when I stepped in, and waved my blue and swollen arm in front of me when I told him to get me to the closest hospital in town. My speech was a bit slurred and a soft hiccup left my mouth involuntarily and embarrassed I turned to look out the window while I thought about what happened today.

"Must have been a bad man," the cab driver said, while our gazes locked in the rearview mirror.

Crap, I should have remembered from teenage-experiences that I had no filter when I was drunk.

"He was," I said while I turned my head to look outside the window again. I hoped he got my sign to drop the conversation and luckily he did since the rest of the ride was spent in silence.

It took him less than 10 minutes to bring me to the place I had requested and I added a tip to thank him for that. He even opened the door for me, rushing around the vehicle with his small legs, and wishing me a good day after he closed the door for his new passengers.

"Thank you," I said and without looking back, I made my way to the reception desk. I tried to walk as steadily and straight as possible but the buzz the alcoholic provided earlier was still present and everything was still dancing and blurring when I made my way over there.

I wanted to say my name when the friendly old woman behind the desk asked for it, but my mouth suddenly felt like it was covered with sandy paper and my eyes couldn't focus anymore although I tried really hard. The pounding in my arm had only increased since I had left the cab and my hands started to sweat although it wasn't _that _warm inside the hall. But it felt as if someone was standing on my chest all of a sudden, preventing any oxygen to enter my system, and I closed my eyes to focus on my breathing. But the weight was never removed from my chest and before I could ask for help, a sudden darkness enveloped me and pulled me down on the floor once more.

**~**

Someone was removing the hair from my face with gentle hands and what seemed like far away, someone was calling my name. I couldn't reply or speak although the weight was removed from my chest now. But the sandy paper was still plastered in my mouth and it felt like I had swallowed the entire Sahara desert. The same soft fingers tucked some strands behind my ear and caressed the skin below my ear lobe where I loved to be touched so much. It evoked a content sigh from my mouth and I heard the voice call my name again, much closer this time.

"Bella, open your eyes."

His command was gentle but persistent at the same time and although the familiarity of the voice made me feel at ease, I tried to open my eyes immediately. I regretted it instantly because the fluorescent lights in the emergency room made my head spin once more. If I wasn't already lying on a journey, I would have definitely fainted again.

"Slowly", he added and chuckled as if it was common policy to make fun of patients. And then it struck me: the gentle hands, the fingers touching _that _spot he knew I loved so much and the familiarity of the voice I would recognize out of thousands of others.

"Fuck!" I muttered under my breath, while at the same time I wished for the earth to open up mysteriously and swallow me to never resurface again. Or in another hospital, with another man. What was he doing here anyway, I wondered and when he laughed again, I remembered the lack of filter and it made me curse once more.

"No earth quakes to bring you to another hospital Miss Swan and I am your doctor, so that's what I'm doing here."

I could hear the laughter in his voice although he did his best to stay professional, his gentle fingers not touching my skin anymore. I heard someone moving around the room but was sure it wasn't him 'cause I still felt his close presence, even without the lack of physical content. The other's presence was probably to blame for his sudden switch to professional mode.

"Typical, you have to be a doctor," I mumbled and added that "today was too good to be true."

I didn't open my eyes, too embarrassed and ashamed to meet Mister Perfect who Never Bothered to Call me Again like this – covered in paint, with these clothes and still slightly alcohol induced.

"Not just a doctor Bella," he said after someone who I suspected had to be the nurse left the room, "your doctor. So if you can open your eyes, I can see if you have any damage that requires a scan or extra exams." His hand was back, this time under my hair, caressing my neck while his other hand tucked at my good elbow so I could sit upright.

"Can I have another doctor?" I asked when I was sitting up, my eyes cast down, focused on the dots of paint that covered my palm and fingers.

"Why?" and I could hear the confusion and astonishment in his voice. "What did I do wrong?"

I sighed and before I explained the situation I wondered to myself why Edward Cullen was making me feel as insecure as the twelve year old Bella covered in pimples and braces. I know why it was, because all these months, I had hoped for another visit to the MoMa or a phone call or a message, but nothing ever came. I had hoped that maybe the thing that was between us, would become something more than just two physical rendezvous' although I knew that I would never be ready for something like that until today. Because today I was free. Free and feeling like my twelve year old insecure self again. Typical.

"Nothing," I said, as if I tried to wash away the argument, but in my mind I added, "You did absolute nothing, you divine motherfucker." He had done absolutely nothing since our encounter and that was exactly the problem.

"Bella, talk to me." He said, his voice hardly a whisper, when he moved my head upwards with his fingers.

"I fell from the ladder after drinking an entire bottle of a delicious 9 year old red wine my parents gave me for my 18th birthday and landed on my wrist, which is now hurting like hell."

I switched the subject not so gently to the problem that was currently at hand –no pun intended- and that needed his attention. It was the only subject that felt safe enough, the only one I could deal with.

Fuck, drinking always made me an emotional wreck!

"You know that's not what I wanted to know Bella," and he sighed softly, his minty breathe caressing my cheek and sending a shiver over my skin.

"You're a doctor, that's what you should want to know, Doctor Cullen" and although I didn't have any intention to sound so bitter and harsh, I did.

And I fucking hated it. An hour ago, I had been sitting on the wooden floor in my living room, enjoying one of the best bottles of wine I owned, thinking about the stubbornness of his untamable hair, the softness of his green eyes and the pain they held. But now I was staring in them, I couldn't help but be bitchy and feel hurt. Hurt because he held the strings for contacting me and he had never cared. In all those months, I was hardly worth a phone call or a visit and although it shouldn't hurt that much because there was nothing between us, today it did. Maybe I wasn't a free bird after all…

With a heavy sigh, he checked my pupils for any sign of brain damage or internal bleeding, checked my head for bruises and sometimes asked if it hurt. It didn't, not from the outside, but my heart did. When he took the already purple wrist in his hands, he gently pressed his fingers against certain areas, making me wince more than once. He asked me to move my fingers like I was playing the piano, to turn my hand from the left to the right and sent me to the X-ray centre without much of a sentence or question that lacked professionalism.

I had asked for it: my mood swing and hurt pride to blame for it, so why did I want to scream? At him. At myself. At the fucked up gods that were messing with my happiness and luck all of a sudden. But I didn't scream; I kept silent and waited for the nurse to wheel me to the X-rays.

When he left the box, I thanked him like a good patient would and when he turned around to take a last look at me, his features softened visibly.

"Thank you Bella, Dr. Shepherd will check on you after the X-rays come in. I'm heading home" and he turned around, leaving me alone with my miserably, all of a sudden soberly self.

I bowed my head and let the tears I had been holding back, roll down freely.

"James was right, no man will ever want me," I whispered to myself, remembering the words my ex-husband used to say when he was drunk once again and I had threatened to leave him. Crying softly, I didn't see how Edward had returned, nor how it took all the willpower of the world for him not to console me.

**~**

More than an hour later, I was back in the same box at the emergency room and I still didn't know if my wrist was broken or not. I longed to go home and crawl into a ball on the sofa, watch a good chick flick, cry some more and fall asleep to feel refreshed the next day. Maybe ordering some Chinese food would help as well.

"It's not broken Bella but it is sprained and I'm going to ask the nurse to apply a small brace and bandage so you won't hurt that wrist anymore. A check up is required in two weeks and the brace will probably be removed then." It was a surprise to hear his voice again, expecting Dr. Shepherd to diagnose me, and unconsciously, I smiled weakly.

"Thank you," I mouthed without making any sound 'cause I didn't trust my voice. For now, we were alone in the box and he cupped my cheek, caressed the skin below my eye with his thumb and asked if we could talk. As soon as the nurse entered though, his hand dropped and I craved the contact of our skin again.

"I'll wait for you," he mouthed soundlessly when he left the box and all of a sudden, my need to leave this emergency room kicked into overdrive.

It took the nurse another twenty minutes to apply the brace and skin colored bandage and when I was ready to go home, I suddenly didn't feel so sure about this talk anymore. The fear about what he might have to say crushed down on me like an avalanche you didn't expect and it took me all of the effort in the world not to bail. But I didn't wait months to see or hear him again to run off like a scared little bunny who thought she had seen a big bear or fox. And so I walked straight ahead to where his god-like self was standing.

"Can I give you a ride home?" he asked, after we nodded rather awkwardly as a greeting.

"That would be very sweet of you. Do you give every patient a ride home Dr. Cullen?" I teased, when we walked towards his car. He nudged my good arm teasingly and told me that he only gave his special patients this kind of treatment.

We must have arrived at his car because he opened the door for me and when I was about to step inside, he whispered in my ear that no other patient had ever seen the inside of his car.

I swallowed hard and suppressed the grin that was about to relax my features, but the warm feeling of his flirting heated my insides to a dangerously high level.

He turned on the heating once he was inside of the car but didn't make any effort to drive away and confused, I turned around to face him.

"Do you want me to leave Edward?" I whispered, afraid to speak out loud and break the more relaxed mood we had been both in, only seconds ago.

"I realize now what you meant with _nothing_ Bella and I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that I never paid you a visit or asked you out for coffee, like you deserved. But I have thought a lot about the things you said to me when we left and I hope you believe me when I say that healing takes time. For me, it will take more time. I've come this far and I'm in a much better place than I've been the previous months but I'm not ready to trust someone else again. Not yet, not now."

His confession was a hard pill to swallow because that was exactly what I had feared to hear. But at the same time it was the words that unshackled my wings and set me free, for the second time that day. I didn't need to wait for him -if I was doing that- and although I never thought I was, I realized it was exactly what I was doing.

A silent tear escaped my eyes again but I refused to whip it away. That lonely tear showed exactly how I felt and I didn't feel embarrassed anymore to show him my feelings.

"I understand. Thanks." And I bowed my head to inspect the dots on my free wrist.

"It's not that you are not worth it Bella, every cell in my body screams you are. But my heart still hurts too much and you deserve so much better. So much better than a man who cannot trust but himself." And when he spoke those words, I realized that he had heard the words James used to say and another tear joined the previous lonely one.

"You are the best thing that will ever happen me, has ever happened to me, but I will never be good enough." And with those final words, he set the car in gear and drove to my apartment without me giving him any directions. I could only assume that he had checked my file and had memorized my coordinates.

In silence, I watched the streets and cars pass by until the car stopped in the small parking behind my building and it made me realize that he must know this block very well. As if reading my thoughts, he answered my unspoken question.

"I used to live in this area with my brother, after, well, you know, Jane screwed my ex-best friend."

I nodded in silence and turned to open the door, but his gentle hand on my left knee stopped me.

"What happened today Bella? Why were you drunk on a Thursday afternoon at 4pm?" His voice was smooth and he had done his best to keep it as free from accusations as possible, but I could hear them none the less. I had lived for far too long with someone who gave no compliments but accused me of several stuff instead and I was sick of hearing them.

"How dare you!" I screamed and turned him full face this time. I suppressed the need to slap him in the face but my blood was boiling and my hands were shaking.

"You have no right to accuse me of something like that. But if you really want to know the truth, here it is! I finally got my divorce papers after I ran away in August from my husband whose closest friend was whatever booze was available in the shop. A husband who never bothered to please me in a way you did. After months of feeling ashamed of what I had done with you, twice for Christ sake!, I am finally set free. Because from now on, I am a single woman again. I can finally live again, dream again, look ahead of the future with my head held high and without feeling guilty. And you're accusing me of being an alcoholic?! As if I would dare to become just like the low scum my ex-husband James was. You ass!"

When my rant was over, tears were running down both my cheeks this time and I hated these traitor tears more than ever. But I refused to cover my weakness, not anymore. I was done with that, for good. But another rant was coming up and another waterfall of words crashed out of my mouth.

"And I thought you were different, Edward. That you were worth dreaming of but you are just like James. Accusing me of such things although in your heart you know they are lies and expressions of your own fears. Do not project whatever fear you carry inside of you on me Edward, it's not fair. And yes, if that's who you really are, I deserve better."

My voice was calmer now, probably because I saw the pain in his eyes return again, the pain I remembered so clearly from our last time in the MoMa. I wanted to be different than his ex-fiancée, didn't want to cause this man any more pain so I moved my hand to the back of his neck and waited until he looked at me in the darkness of his car.

"You have to stop doing that Edward; you're beating yourself up and for what? Set your angst free and live. Life is so beautiful but you are too blind to see it, too afraid to open your eyes and see the incredibility of people around you. Learn to trust again. It will be a process of giving and learning, and yes, you will get hurt again, but there is someone out there, worth your trust." And unconsciously, I moved closer to his lips and seal my words with the promise of a kiss. A promise that if he believed me, if he believed in himself and others again, he would be happy.

He kissed me back, carefully. Our lips just barely touched, but it was all we needed.

He rested his head against mine and whispered "Why were you ashamed of what happened between us?"

"Because I was still a married woman Edward and, although in my heart, I had said goodbye to James a long time ago, on paper I remained a married woman. But I never regretted what happened with you, I just felt bad about the fact that I was a married woman doing all those incredible great things with you."

A brief moment of silence fell between us and it was Edward who decided to speak again.

"Why can you be so optimistic about everything after all the misery that happened to you Bella?"

In silence, I wondered about the same thing, mulled over it in my head, but I realized that there was only one available possibility for my optimistic mood.

"Because we all need to be hopeful. Without hope, Edward, life isn't worth living for. And right now, you are surviving and maybe even living, but you don't carry hope in your heart because you are too afraid. Too afraid to live fully again. "

He nodded his head softly and I wondered if he really understood the meaning of my words.

When he looked at his fingers in astonishment, lost in his own world, I kissed his cheek hastily and told him I had to go. He didn't stop me and for that I was grateful because if he asked me to stay, I would. And I wanted to be free. I needed to be free so desperately.

I closed the door softly and hurried inside my building, a cold wind blowing my hair into different directions and making me shiver. I was halfway up when I heard someone running up the stairs and the flutter in my stomach shouldn't have been there but I couldn't control my physical reactions. My body simply knew that it was _him _and that he came after me made me feel feminine again. Made me feel wanted.

He reached me at the last part of the stairway that let to my apartment, the only one on the third floor of my little building.

"Bella," he panted, catching his breath after running up the stairs. I didn't jump when he placed his hand on the small of my back, I just turned around until my back rested against the wall and was trapped in the prison of his arms.

"Bella, I don't want to let you go, not yet" and he bowed his head, waiting for me to close the small space between our lips or telling him no. But I wouldn't be the one denying him because I had longed for him for such a long time and now he was here, waiting for that invitation.

"One last time Edward, and then you have to let me go," and I moved my hand to the back of his neck and caressed the soft skin below his hairline. It was a spot I knew he liked to be touched because it made him feel at ease. He sighed under my touch and told me _one last time and you'll be free Bella _before he kissed my lips.

His kiss was soft at first but grew fervent and eager the next second and his eagerness made my toes curl and set my body on fire.

His hands roamed over my shoulders, towards the front of my t-shirt where his eager hands cupped my breasts through the fabric of my clothes. We were in a public place and although there were only a few feet between us and my apartment, I didn't want to move. I wanted him right here and now. _Now_.

I moved around a little, bent my knees while I guided Edward with me. My good hand was still on his neck, his wild hair tucked between my hungry fingers, holding it for dear life. As if I was afraid that when I let go of it, this wild lion man would run away. My other hand, stuck in that awful brace, gripped the front of his shirt and when he realized what I was doing, he helped me until I lay down.

It wasn't comfortable, the hard stones of the stairs poking in my back and arching it in unusual and most definitely uncomfortable positions. I would curse myself for that in the morning but I didn't want to think about that right now. Because he was lowering himself between my thighs and sucked my neck like it was his favorite lollypop.

He fumbled with the buttons of my jeans while he placed sloppy kisses along my belly button and just above the elastic of my black underwear. I helped him with the buttons which resulted in a clumsy battle and when he lowered my pants, the cold air in the staircase didn't even bother me because every rational thought had left my mind when his warm green eyes locked with mine. He devoured me with his stare and the feelings of affections that were hidden inside of them made my mouth go dry all of a sudden. He wanted me – I could see that- and when he kissed me with an accuracy that made my stomach do flip flops, I knew that his eyes held the truth.

His lips left mine and I wanted to protest, but when he moved down on me to the throbbing flesh between my thighs, I lost every protest I had inside me. His breathe was warm through the lace of my panties and I knew that he was doing it on purpose. I didn't mind. The coolness of his breathe stopped the ticking time bomb, if only for a few minutes, 'cause when he kissed my crotch through the fabric of my underwear, the bomb started ticking faster than it did before.

I wanted to moan his name but I still remembered our whereabouts so I gripped his hair instead. It made him wince, but in a pleasant way, and it encouraged him with whatever he had in mind. The fabric of my underwear was ripped from my body and I was glad I was freed from it. He spread my thighs, made one long lick over my entire pussy and it felt like I was suddenly flying. He did it again, more frantic this time and repeated it over and over again until I was completely positive that I was a bird and high in heaven. He sucked my clit in between his teeth, released it to leave it pulsating with lust and hunger. His hands kept my thighs apart, spreading them even further – if that was even possible- and when he moved the tip of his tongue inside of me, I came crashing down my height with an incredible speed that left my head spinning and my insides quivering.

He didn't stop. It seemed as if this was only a sign for him to continue and do more. He removed his tongue but entered a finger instead, and then a second one, while the tip of his tongue danced around my most sensitive nub and made me go crazy. I arched my back and when one of his hands left my thighs to find my breast, I arched my body into his touch. I pulled my t-shirt upwards and caressed the breast he wasn't cupping with my own good hand and when he realized what I was doing, he went wild. It must have turned him on because his licks grew more frantic and the fingers inside me pushed deeper and harder, and further and … and… I was losing it again, this time forgetting where I was and moaning his name.

His lips claimed mine while I was still high and flying, his mouth wet and tasting like sex. His fingers kept on pushing me further and further and it made my eyes roll in my head. His kisses became more passionate and hungrier all of a sudden and I didn't know when or how, but his fingers were replaced with his hard length and if his fingers showed me heaven, than this is how paradise should look like.

"I won't take long honey, you made me so horny that I almost came by tasting you," and he moved on top of me, arching his body so he touched me as deep as he could, reaching that well hidden spot that gives those mind blowing orgasms. He was an attentive lover and I realized that no one has ever pleased me like that before. Not James and no other man either.

I lost the train of thoughts when he moved faster and started whispering sweet words of affection in my ear. He bit my ear lobe teasingly and with a low grunt, he exploded inside of me. He didn't crash down on me, instead of that he tried not to hurt me when he supported his weight on his hands.

He kissed my lips again, firm and strong and when I looked into his eyes, I saw the reflection of my own pain. This was it. It was time to let each other go. A single tear escaped his eye and I refused to give in to the need to whip it away. I bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted the rusty, coppery taste of blood, to prevent myself from crying as well.

Hastily, we adjusted our clothes in complete silence and when there was nothing else to do than say goodbye, we both turned around and went the other way. With the door already open but the handle still in my hand, I spoke without looking at him. This was already too painful and seeing the pain in his eyes would make it harder for the both of us.

"Stop pushing people away Edward. Open your heart and realize that losing your ex fiancée and best friends doesn't have to be the end of the world. Yes, it sucks. It sucks big time, but don't let them rule your future. Set yourself free baby and be happy again. You deserve that happiness," and I stepped inside my apartment, closed the door without looking back. With my head rested against the door, I heard how he made his way downstairs again.

I had a broken marriage and a sprained wrist but I was free. Finally free. And even though it felt liberating, it hurt as well. And the single tear that had rolled down Edward's face, was mirrored by my own…

* * *

**End note**: I know, a rather sad chapter. Do you think this Bella and Edward can still have their happy ending? Let me know and be good ladies


	4. Chapter 4: Love me like this in Spring

I promised this update two and a half months ago and I'm sorry for those of you who have been wondering if/when I would update again. But I'm here now, with the last chapter. My baby will be born later this week/next week and I really needed to wrap this up before I went into labor. Part of the nesting I guess.

It all started out as a silly idea in my head during a sleepless night, a few months ago. And although it took me awhile to finish it, I'm glad I wrote this fic. It gave me a lot of joy (and hotness) and I hope you felt the same. Thanks Rebekah and Courtney for the mega quick beta job. I adore you both!

This is the summary of this fic, to remind you how it once started…

_Four healing sexual encounters. A tryst in each season. Three chance encounters and two very different people with at least one thing in common: both are heartbroken and afraid to let love in once more._

Thanks ladies for taking this ride with me, now enjoy our last season!

* * *

**Chapter 4: Love me (like this forever) in Spring**

"_No winter lasts forever,_

_No spring skips its turn."_

-Hal Borland-

**Edward, March 21st **

I could feel the change of seasons in my blood today more than ever before, and I realized that I had known what to do all along. I was just too fucking blind to see it and too damn scared to admit it. But today it was crystal clear: I wanted her to be mine. Oh God, I wanted her like I never wanted her before, and not just her body, although _that _as well, but I wanted all of her. I wanted to know every freckle on her body and every scar on her soul. I longed for her silken skin under the tips of my fingers and her voice whispering in the shell of my ear. I needed her lips on the pulsating vein of my neck and her small, but oh so strong hand, on my back, to guide me to the future. A future with her 'cause she could make a better man out of me, and I was sick being only a shadow of my former self.

I don't know why I realized it only today, because it had been 24 days and 5 hours since I had seen or felt her, and it had honestly been the worst 24 days of my life. Yes, I had been counting, because they were the most miserable days of my life. Even the thing with Jane felt like nothing compared to the way I had been feeling lately.

If I had been looking for her in New York City after the first time we met, last year in August, then I didn't know what I was doing since the end of February. I didn't look for her, I simply saw her everywhere. A patient that needed to be tended was Isabella, the woman in front of me in the bakery was her, I even found myself talking to her in my head while I was doing random stuff, and I should have realized then that I already wanted her.

Longed for her. Needed her.

But my own stupidity, stubbornness and most of all, my fear of being hurt, rejected and broken by a woman, once again prevented me from seeing things clearly. It put a shackle around my heart that avoided any real feelings to infiltrate my life, although, if I was completely honest with myself, I knew that I felt _something _the past few months. And I knew exactly when that was: August 7, on a plane from San Francisco to New York City, having the best casual sex with a beautiful stranger; November 16th on the 4th floor at MoMa, getting the blow job that still left my mind spinning thinking about it, and February 25th, in an old staircase between her trembling thighs, saying goodbye to her.

Bella had made it clear the last time, though, that I had to let her go, but what if that was impossible? What if letting her go was the biggest mistake I would ever make in my life? The biggest regret I would always feel, lingering in the back of my head and heart until it beat the last time? It was probably typically male to only realize what you miss when it's gone, and the fact that it took me over 24 days to realize it, said something about how stupid I was.

I couldn't take the risk of making that mistake, and I didn't want to either, because she had been the woman that was able to make me feel again, when feeling was exactly what I feared the most. She made me feel wanted when I found myself nothing but repulsive. And she had comforted me, eased the ache in my stomach, stopped the racing thoughts in my head when all I could feel was the pain inside my body, or hear the constant buzz in my head, making me feel dizzy and sick.

It was Bella.

It was she all the time and deep down I hoped she would be it forever, because if there was someone I wanted to trust again, or that I wanted to trust to make me whole again, it was Bella.

And, I wanted to mean something to someone as well. I longed to be willed and wanted, to be desired and cherished, but most of all I wanted to be special. And if there was one person who had given me that feeling in the past, it was her. It all came down to Bella. Beautiful, intoxicating Bella.

So I did what she explicitly asked me not to: I contacted her and never in my life had felt something so forbidden, so right. I wrote a card that morning and waited in the coffee shop just across from her building until she left her apartment. When she disappeared in the rushing crowd, I drank the last bit of my coffee and hurried up the stairs that held so many memories since the last time I was there. Hastily, I shoved the card under her door and hoped she would agree to meeting me again.

I hurried to the hospital where a long day of cuts, broken bones and concussions would be waiting for me, but while making my way to work, I couldn't help but wonder if writing a card was the best method. I had contemplated calling her, but I feared she would mistake the trembling of my voice with uncertainties about my decision, even if I had never been so sure about anything in my entire life. Showing up at her front door wasn't an option either, because I didn't want her to feel obligated to accept the invitation. No, a card was the best way: it would give her the freedom she deserved to make the decision, especially when it was the one I feared the most.

A cold shiver ran up and down my spine when I entered the hospital, and I forced myself to think about something else. I needed to focus and concentrate if I wanted to change our lives today. And that was what I did: I blocked every thought related to a certain brunette out of my head, and told myself that the strawberry flavor that hung in the air today wasn't related to the same lady who'd occupied my thoughts for days and nights. I blocked all stimuli from my head, and greeted my first patient of the day.

"Hi…" I smiled and looked down at the chart to read the little girl's name and shock raced through me when I realized that karma was being a bitch, and the gods were against me in this game of blocking out Bella. Or maybe I was growing a vagina, like my brother would say, believing in karma and shit.

"Isabella, but I prefer Bella," the 6 year old girl confidently said with a bright smile that showed off her newly lost baby teeth.

I composed myself and tried to appear as a professional instead of a complete and utter fool, and smiled back at the girl and her mother.

"I'm Doctor Cullen, but I prefer Edward. So tell me, Bella... what happened?"

It had been a long and exhausting day and when I came home to my empty apartment, I longed for a nice relaxing shower, a movie that didn't require any interaction of my brain, and then my bed. Most of all I hoped there would be a sign that showed Bella had gotten my invitation, but there wasn't any. No hastily written card was in my mail box or left for me at the hospital, no envelope on my mobile phone that showed an unread message was waiting, nor a flashing green light on the answering machine to welcome me home. Nothing but emptiness and frustration, and it took all my willpower to stop myself from slamming my fist through the glass door.

I showered and watched a movie, but when I couldn't concentrate on the storyline, I turned off every light and went to bed. I hadn't even bothered to make myself dinner, because my appetite had vanished the moment I realized she hadn't replied. I didn't even bother to take off my clothes, I just crawled in bed and let sleep envelope me.

25 days and still nothing.

A quick check of every possible communication channel told me that there was still no response from Bella, and I felt how the first nerves, the first signal of frustration was creeping into the veins of my existence. I knew I didn't have the right to feel this way, and the more I told myself I had to give her time, the more agitated I became. Things didn't get any better during the day, nor the day after that, or the day after that.

No, 25 turned into 26, 27 and 28 days. I felt like I was a walking human time bomb, a bucket full of nerves, frustration, anger and fear –mostly directed at no one but myself-, just waiting for that final droplet to make me lose it.

It was Emmet who hit that last nerve and was rewarded with a kick in the stomach that he would remember for a long time to come. I sure knew that it would take a long time to forget the impact of his fist on my jaw, and for one short second I felt sorry for what I had done to Jacob, when I found him screwing my ex-fiancée.

"Contact her," he said, after we came to our senses again.

"I already did and she didn't reply. So why bother again."

I ignored Emmett's eye roll and when he realized I wouldn't say anything else, he spoke up again. "Do you love her? I mean, really love her?"

He looked so serious and I wondered when my brother had turned into the next Dr. Phil.

"I won't ever answer that question, because no word covers my feelings for her."

"Then stop being such a pussy, locate your dick again and contact her. Beg, if that's what it takes to make her open her eyes. Stalk her, do whatever you need to do to win her heart. And if she turns you down, you have your answer immediately and you can start trying to get over her."

Those last words hurt so much that they brought tears to my eyes, blurring my vision and confirming my brother's suspicion that I was indeed growing a vagina after all. When my bearlike brother enveloped me in the warmth of his embrace, my final resolve broke down along with the tears that had threatened to fall a few seconds ago. I didn't care about them, no; the only thing I cared about was Bella and my heart. She had the power to make me whole again and I would do everything in my willpower to make her realize that I loved her. I would die trying, because I honestly couldn't picture myself getting over her.

Emmett gave me the time to compose myself and when I had done just that, we talked about what to do. We came to the conclusion that I would give Bella 1 more day to reply to my message, and when and if she didn't, I would go to MoMa to speak to her. We had talked about meeting her at work or at her place and it thought her work seemed to be the most neutral place for the both of us, a place where we both needed to behave like civilized people, and I didn't feel like invading her personal space again.

So when 28 turned into 29 without any sign from Bella, I –who was literally shaking with nerves and fear- took the subway to the Museum of Modern Art and smiled politely at the receptionist.

"I would like to speak to Miss Swan please?" I forced a brighter smile on my face 'cause the female receptionist seemed unaffected from my first attempt in days to look anything but bitter or depressed. She sighed in an annoyed way, and informed me that Bella had a guided tour that would at least last for about another twenty minutes. I could wait, if that was what I wanted, or I could leave a note. I chose the former and sat on one of the empty benches in the large entrance hall, drumming my fingers on my knee impatiently.

I saw her before she saw me, and drank in the sight of her. Long curly hair cascading down her back, a petrol bleu dress that hugged her every curve, and matching blue pumps. Those heels accentuated her calves and made her legs look longer and the view in front of me made me rock hard. But that discomfort was nothing compared to the way she looked at me when the receptionist informed her someone was waiting for her.

She had closed her eyes and the smile that had covered her face only seconds ago, was turned into a tight line of lips that didn't predict anything good. Her back stiffened before she crossed the distance that separated us. I couldn't move, so I sat rooted on that spot, and when she stood in front of me, I lowered my head and held it captive with my hands. I felt sorry for my own scalp, because the way my hands gripped my hair, was anything but gentle, however it was the only thing I could think of instead of screaming.

Because that was what I really wanted to do: scream. At myself, for being such a fool, for letting her slip through my fingers while I was so preoccupied with my miserable existence. For waiting almost a month to meet her, for waiting too long and being so damn stupid to think I could live without her.

A painful silence hung between us and I realized that I should probably speak up, but I didn't have it in me, nor did any words seem to come. I could feel her eyes on me though, but even that couldn't make me look up, 'cause I was afraid to see the rejection in her body language again.

The movement of air around me told me that she had taken the vacant seat next to me and before I knew what was happening, I felt her hands on mine, removing the deadly grip on my hair. I didn't bother to resist, nor did I really cooperate, I just felt apathetic and dead inside.

She guided my head to lie upon her shoulder and I felt how her warm embrace enveloped me, the only real warmth I had felt in days. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn't even bother to wipe them away. But she must have felt them when they dampened her skin and like a little baby, she shushed me and spoke my name in my ear, sweetly.

She took her time to comfort me and when I had composed myself a little, she removed her arms but took my hands in hers instead. Finally, I looked up and saw so many emotions swirling in her eyes, that I couldn't name any of them.

"Why did you come here, Edward?" she asked gently, words only meant for my ears to hear.

"Because, I couldn't wait any longer, Bella. Not knowing is killing me," and I saw how she took in the reality of my words. Her eyes lingered on the blue rings under my eyes, down to the hollow cheeks that I knew were there. The paleness of my skin due to the lack of sleep of the past few weeks and the loss of appetite was probably the most striking sign of the shape I was in – that was what my mother told me when I visited her only a few days ago. I knew that she was right, but I didn't find the energy in me to change things otherwise.

Bella saw it too, and I hated the compassion that was reflected in her eyes.

"Don't do this to yourself, Edward," she gently said while her thumbs made slow circles on my skin. "I'm not worth it."

"To me, you are, Bella. I was a fool before, and I know it's too late to make things right, but I finally saw the light. It has always been you, Bella, who's made me feel alive again in these past few months, and I was just too blind to see it. But, I do now, can't you see it? I want you Bella, fuck, I never wanted someone like this before and this is not purely physical."

My words were laced with desperation, but more honest words had never been spoken before. They came straight from my heart.

"Is this a game you're playing, Edward, because I won't be your pawn." Her hard words cut straight through me and for a second, I forgot where we were.

"No!" I yelled, a bit too loud for our surroundings, and received disdainful looks from visitors and staff.

"No," I said again, this time it was almost a whisper, but I hoped Bella could hear the conviction in it nonetheless. "I never play games like this, Bella, never. Not after everything that happened with my ex-fiancée. I would never play another human like that, Bella, never. And it pains me that you think I would." Tears blurred my vision again, but this time I fought them. I was a man for Christ's sake, and it was time I started acting like one.

"I'm sorry, Edward; I haven't been in a good shape lately. It's hard for me to trust anyone again and when I got your card last week, I didn't know what to think of it, didn't know the real reason behind your actions in contacting me, to invite me for dinner. I'm sorry."

"Don't," and I brought her chin up again with my hand so she could look me in the eye when I said what I had to say, "excuse yourself for it, Bella. I know how it feels, I do, but you _can_ trust me. As for the reason behind contacting you and visiting you here: I want you in my life, Bella. I'm an utter fool for not realizing it before, but I love you and I believe that my future belongs with you. It can't be that we met 3 times in the past, accidentally, in this big city. This is fate, Bella," and I brought her hand to my chest to where my heart was beating furiously.

She gasped, as if the sudden feeling of my beating heart under her skin surprised her, or was it what I had just said? Maybe it was a combination of both, I couldn't really tell.

"Just give me a chance to prove I'm not like James, Bella. That's all I ask: a chance to show you that I mean everything I just said."

This time, it was Bella's vision that blurred and when she slowly closed her eyes, several diamonds rolled down her cheeks, caressing her pinkish skin and leaving a wet trail.

"I always dreamt that someone like you would love me and I wish I wasn't so damn afraid to believe you, to love you, but I can't, Edward, I'm too scared." And more tears followed the path of the previous ones.

"Oh sweet, Bella, I'm scared too, I am. I'm afraid to end up hurt and broken again. To be dumped like a cheap piece of trash, not even worth a second glance. I feel the same fears like you, but I don't want to live my life in fear any longer. I want to show you that life is only worth living when you do it wholeheartedly. Wouldn't it pain you if, in a few years, you think about the few times we were together, but were too afraid to give it a real try, too afraid, because you may end up hurt? I don't want to live my life in regret, not anymore, and I doubt you want that too."

"Show me," she whispered. "Show me that you mean every word of it, show me that you're worth it, Edward."

"My offer still stands about the date, Bella. I can pick you up at 7, if you like?" I wasn't really sure if I was hallucinating, if this was actually happening, but when Bella was still there after I blinked a few times, I realized that I wasn't imagining things. For the first time in weeks, I felt hopeful, and it was a magnificent feeling to experience.

"I don't feel like going to a public restaurant, Edward. Can we maybe have a private dinner, at your place or something, It's, I… I just want to be able to let my emotions go when we talk, if that's okay with you, of course."

"Oh Beautiful, of course that's a possibility. Do you trust me enough to eat the food I make?"

The lightening of the tense atmosphere worked, because she smiled for the first time. A real, warm smile.

"Should I be scared, Edward? Did you have any victims fall in the past when feeding them?"

I laughed and the sound was almost foreign in my ears at first. But I did it again and soon Bella joined me and I was convinced that life should be exactly like this: laughing with the woman of your dreams, holding your hands and absently making small circles on your skin with her thumbs.

"Nah, no need to worry about that, Sugar. And if something goes wrong, you don't even need to call a doctor." We both laughed at my stupid joke as well, and it felt damn good.

If the sound of her laughter was an indication of what the rest of the evening had in store for us, then I was pretty confident that I would fall asleep a happy man tonight.

She was twenty minutes late when I opened the door and found her shaking like a leaf in front of my door. She was stuck in traffic and I was glad she had texted me, because I wasn't really sure what state I would be in if she hadn't.

I could see the fear, had lessened a bit while talking in MoMa, was back and before she could turn around and run away, I took her hand and guided her inside. It was my time now, to make small circles on her hand and to console her.

"It's me, Bella; you don't need to fear me." And I moved around her to remove and hang the knee length black coat that protected her from the chilly spring wind that was typical for New York City that time of year.

I stood behind her for a second and inhaled the scent I had missed for so long. I inhaled again, deeper this time and felt how the scent had a calming effect on me. My breathe tickled her bare neck and I saw the shiver that ran up and down her spine, evoking goose bumps along the way, goose bumps I misinterpret for fear instead of desire.

"It's me, Sugar, it's me," I repeated when I took her hand and guided her to the sofa where a bottle of Italian red wine was waiting for us, together with some fresh made guacamole and tortilla chips.

"I hope red wine is a good way to start the evening," I said while handing Bella the glass I had just filled for her. Our eyes locked for a second and she realized the reason behind my choice of drink and the small twinkle in her eyes was back, if only for a second. It was then, in that moment, that I realized that whatever fear she held inside, wouldn't hold her back to give me her heart, because she knew I only had the best intentions, because she knew that I had as much to lose as she had and that I didn't want to go through that experience again.

She was mine as much as I was hers, and the blink of an eye told us that.

When there was nothing left of our appetizers, we moved to the grand table for dinner and took another bottle of wine with us. I told her about the past miserable days and how my brother kicked some sense into me, which made a look of horror cross her features. I reassured her though, that Emmett got kicked in the stomach as well and that it was merely a sign of the brotherly affection we have for each other. That earned me a soft squeeze on my hand and before she could take it back, I curled my fingers around hers and held her hand while she filled me in about her current situation.

I was glad her hand was tucked into mine when she cried softly, informing me how James had tried to contact her after he had signed the divorce papers, a month ago. Somehow, he had gotten his hands on her new mobile phone number, and at first she had picked up the phone to talk to him. But, then he started to call her every single hour, mostly during the night, and she had asked him politely to stop doing so. James, however, had told her he would make her life a living hell, and that he would do anything in his power to get her address as well.

His number had been blocked ever since, but I could see the fear that lingered in the back of her mind. It made me understand why she didn't reply to my message immediately, and why there was fear lingering in her eyes when she walked to me at MoMa.

"_I'm sorry, Edward; I haven't been in a good shape lately. It's hard for me to trust anyone again…" _she had told me when we talked earlier that day and now the true meaning of her words were crystal clear.

"Do you think he is looking for you, Bella?" I asked, adrenaline racing through my veins and making up plans in my head to kill that bastard.

"I really don't know, Edward. Sometimes I think he just wants to scare me, but other times every dark figure walking behind me makes me fear it's him. I don't know, Edward, I really don't know." She cried silently in my arms and when the last of her tears dried and the last sob had left her throat, I softly kissed her fears away. A consoling peck, only lips touching lips, but it was all I could offer. I would support her through this, I would protect her with my life and together we would make it.

"I can't do this alone anymore, Edward," and she kissed me back with passion and fierceness that told me what I wanted to hear so badly.

"We will do this together, my love" I murmured in between kisses, returning her passion with my own. My tongue darted out, seeking hers and when they met, it felt like coming home at last. My fingers entangled in her long locks, holding her close to me. I finally had her and I didn't plan to let her go. Not anymore. I had made that mistake too many times before and I had finally learnt my lesson.

"Show me," she said, her voice raw and laced with hunger for more.

Not knowing if I heard things right and wondering why I deserved any of this, I stopped my assault on the sensitive skin of her neck and locked my eyes with hers.

"Show me," she said again, her voice stronger this time and if her voice didn't erase any of my doubts about what she wanted me to do; her eyes did. They contained a strong conviction and determination. And if there was anything that I had learned from Bella since we met, it was that when she decided something, she went for it. Completely.

I took her hand and pulled her up on her feet and walked with her to our future. This was the start of a new beginning, and this time I had planned to do things right. And in my opinion, the right thing to do was lay her down on a soft bed instead of taking her in an airplane toilet, up against a wall in a conference room, or on the stairs of an old apartment.

She smiled when she drank in the room in front of her, realizing my intentions of bringing her here and it was the first honest smile I saw since she had entered my house.

"So beautiful," I murmured when I cradled her face in my hands and kissed her again, words I would repeat a million more times in my life, every time I'd drank in the sight of her.

My hands remained where they were –for now at least- but my lips kissed every spot of her face and with every kiss I gave, she relaxed more and more, trusting me a little bit more. I made my way over to her ear where I softly and teasingly bit her ear lobe before I whispered that this would be no random fuck and no end. This would be the first of many love makings and this was a start. A start of a future. Together.

"Oh, Edward," she moaned while I turned her around and kissed her neck. I kissed the skin there as well and when I unzipped her dress, my lips followed my fingers and continued the trail of kisses there as well. "I have wanted this and you so badly. Love me," she whispered, as if she was afraid to speak those words out loud and waking up from a dream. I had reached her bottom now and left sloppy kisses just above the hem of her panties before I made my way up again. My hands slipped under the fabric of her dress, travelled from her sides to her stomach and up to her breasts, where I cupped them through the silk bra she was wearing. She helped me undress herself and moaned more loudly when I massaged her breasts and sucked her neck.

"So good," she said, encouraging me to go on and when she wiggled her butt against my hard erection, I nearly forgot my sweet intentions of lovemaking. Nearly, but not completely. This woman deserved nothing but the best, especially after all the shit she has been going through, and I planned to give her exactly that.

"You're making me crazy," I said and she cupped my hard length through the material of my jeans. She stepped out of her dress that pooled around her feed and kicked it away. She stood in her underwear and pumps and she had never been any more beautiful than this. Strong, shoulders up and telling me what to do.

"Touch me here," she said, and took one of my hands and moved it into her panties. I really thought she would pull back her hand but she surprised me when she showed me exactly how she wanted to be touched. Together, our fingers travelled lower until I felt the small area of curls and she urged me on to dip one of my fingers inside of her. I could tell she was already ready for me to enter her, her need to feel me inside of her was making her wet and aching for more.

I did how she showed me while her other hand moved inside my boxers and enveloped my throbbing penis, pumping it up and down and showing me exploding galaxies every time I closed my eyes. My finger moved in and out her soaking core while she encircled her clit with her free hand, touching it and breathing hoarsely with every stroke I did.

"I want to eat and drink you," and I guided her towards the bed, turned her around and helped her lay down on it. Hastily, and rather clumsily, I undressed while my eyes never left her hand that disappeared in between her legs, replacing my finger that had been there only seconds ago. The view of her, touching herself, made the erection I already had even more painful than before and there was no turning back now, I had to have her.

I closed the small distance between us, kneeled in front of her and enveloped the back of her knees with my hands, pulling her closer to me and spreading her open in front of me. I removed her pumps and brought her bare feet to my shoulders before I sucked my way to her dripping centre, to the finger that every so often disappeared inside her body and turned me on like nothing had ever done before. God, a woman touching herself like this was hot.

My mouth was drinking of her sweet honey in the blink of an eye and I told myself to take it easy and slow. But that finger had to go or I wouldn't be able to control myself. I told her exactly that and a warm laugh was my reward. Instead of touching herself, she entangled her fingers in my untamable hair and guided my head towards where she wanted me the most. I licked the sensitive skin of her lips slowly, taking my time, before I made my way over to the left side. I repeated that action over and over again, until she begged me for more. The sound of her voice, begging me to lick her there, was like the best song ever written to me and I obeyed without thinking. I felt her clit throbbing under the tip of my tongue, I sucked it and left it aching for more and I dipped my tongue lower, entering her a bit and that was when she started to lose it completely. Her hips bucked against my face and her fingers gripped my hair stronger, encouraging me to continue like this. She spread her legs wider for me, if that was even possible, and I placed both my hands on her thighs, teasing her with my fingers now as well. She rode my face but I didn't care, as long as she enjoyed what I was doing, I was a happy man.

I felt her coming in my mouth before she told me, her heated centre contracting and trembling and I made sure she reached a higher height when I forced my tongue even deeper inside of her. I drank every droplet of her arousal, licked my lips when I was ready with her, afraid to miss any of it.

Like a lifeless doll, that's how she lay on my bed, with a blissful smile on her face that told me how much she had enjoyed what I had just done. And seeing that smile on her face, feeling the warmth of her body under my skin made me the happiest man on earth. I had given her this blissful state, nobody else. And no other men would ever see that blissful state than me.

I lay down next to her, pulled her up so we were face-to-face and stroked the area between her breasts, where a small pool of sweat was glistening in the evening sun that shone through the blinds of my bedroom window. Her nipples puckered to life again and instinctively, I bent my head and encircled it with the tip of my tongue. Teasingly, I sucked it inside the warmth of my mouth and made it even harder than it was before. The low moan that rumbled through her chest made me smile and I made my way to the other nipple, giving it equal attention.

She rolled to lie on her side and started to stroke my penis, first slowly but after a few strokes, she added some speed and pumped it confidently. I would soon come if she continued like this and although I longed for that release, I didn't want to come in her hand. I wanted to feel her warm inner walls pulsating around me when I'd came, so I rolled us both over so I was on top of her. With my knees, I spread her legs a bit more before I realized that I had to look for a condom first. But it was as if she could read my dilemma – I didn't want to leave her, no, I wanted to enter her right now- and she erased any of my inner struggles.

"I hadn't had any one else but you, Edward and I'm clean."

"Me too, Sunshine, me too," and I positioned myself in between her thighs, looking at her lovingly when I entered her wetness. Our eyes never left each other and in that moment, I understood the true meaning of loving someone. During all those painful months of struggling to get over Jane, Bella had been the firefly that guided me through the dark, the hope that kept me hoping and the love that kept my heart beating. I was sorry I didn't realize it sooner, but I vowed that I would never forget it. Bad times were over, good times started today.

"You okay?" I asked, her loud moan making me worry I had hurt her instead.

"Never been better, my love. Make me come, Edward," and she wrapped one leg around my thigh, encouraging me to go on. I did just that, stroking her, moving in and out of her, angling my hips so I would touch that sweet spot inside of her that I knew would blow her mind.

I sucked her neck and there would probably be a soft mark tomorrow, but neither of us worried about that. I moved to her mouth and demanded entry, tangling my tongue with hers and moaning in the process. Her hands moved to my back and scratched the skin between my shoulder blades, but instead of pain it felt like fuel to my flaming desire. I moved up my speed and moved inside of her more vigorously, until I felt her inner muscles contracting around me. She arched her back, lifting her breasts into my chest and angling her hips like this made me lose all control I had. It didn't take me long to join her in that blissful height. My world and head were spinning and her nails digging in my buttocks, pushing me deeper inside of her, were the only thing my mind registered. She didn't want me to stop and urged me on and when the fog started to clear a little bit in my head, I felt her coming again. She screamed my name over and over again and it was the sweetest screams I had ever heard. She could scream my name like this until the end of time and it would always leave me breathless for more.

I slowed my ministrations but didn't stop just yet, riding her pleasure for as long as it could. It was only when she opened her eyes again, smiling warmly at me that I finally stopped and collapsed on top of her.

I used the only strength I had inside of me to roll her on top of me. She kissed me, promising and demanding, and the next words shocked me to hell and back but made me the happiest person on earth as well.

"Love me like this forever, Edward, and I promise you to do exactly the same."

A single tear escaped her watery eyes and I knew that it was a tear of joy.

"I promise you tonight and for the rest of our lives, to love you like this forever, sunshine."

I moved my hands from her back to her head, cupped her cheeks and brought her mouth back to mine to kiss her devotionally.

She was the love of my life just like I was hers. It had been a painful path to get here but having her here in my arms, whispering sweet words of love to each other, was worth every excruciating day.

Destiny had brought us together and love would bind our future. She was mine and I was hers and together we were stronger than we were alone.

-_The End-_

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End notes: This was the final chapter and I had fun writing it. Let me know what you think of it and wish me luck with the delivery of our baby *crosses fingers for an as painfree delivery as possible*


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